Fit For Radio

From Hard Beginnings to an Unbreakable Bond

• Drew Tydeman

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What does it take to break generational patterns and build the life you want?

This week on Fit For Radio, Drew sits down with a guest whose journey proves that resilience isn't something you're born with—it's something you build. Raised by a single mother in Texas who worked multiple jobs to keep food on the table, he learned early that no one is coming to save you. Those lessons were reinforced by grandparents who raised six children in rural Mississippi and, through sacrifice, discipline, and an unwavering belief in education, helped every one of them earn a college degree.

Before finding success in marketing, he served in the Army and spent years delivering packages for FedEx, experiences that shaped his work ethic long before job titles ever mattered. But the biggest turning point in his life came through an unexpected adoption. Becoming a father transformed his understanding of empathy, purpose, and what it truly means to leave a legacy.

In this deeply personal conversation, we explore overcoming adversity, recognizing the "guardian angels" who appear when we need them most, the importance of showing up for your own life, and how our children often become our greatest teachers. We also discuss the book he's writing about healing, parenthood, and turning survival into a life of purpose.

If you've ever wondered how hardship can become your greatest strength, this is an episode you won't want to miss.

SPEAKER_00

We finally get to the destination. It's McDonald's. I'm like, oh, okay. Never, I don't think we've eaten McDonald's before. I've seen it before. I've seen the commercials. And so she orders a hamburger. She orders a French fry. Sorry. She orders an oyster for me. And we sit down. And I'm eating. I remember having a smile on my face. And I notice that she's not eating. And she just wants to make sure that I'm eating. And that's one of the things that I take from my mom where it's like, I have a responsibility for this little boy. She could have, she could have given me up for adoption. She could have like, hey, let your dad take care of you. But she's like, no, I'm I I gotta figure this out.

SPEAKER_02

It is the Fit for Radio podcast. I am your host, Drew Tiedeman, and we are here, like usual, at the Stafford Hills Club. Voted the best health and wellness facility in the Portland area, and it's so nice to be here. I work here and I play here. You can stay in shape and pay your bills. Uh right now I've got a great guest here in uh, well, he's actually uh joining me from are you in New York City?

SPEAKER_00

I'm uh calling from downtown Brooklyn, so yes, close enough.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, here in Brooklyn. Um this is Harrison Thompson. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks, Drew. Pleasure to be here. Thanks for inviting me.

SPEAKER_02

Uh, so you have a really cool story and that has some caveats in it that when you and I were talking uh before we did the podcast, I just thought it was really cool and uh kind of a different angle on um on how you became a parent. And as a triple girl dad myself, I'm always interested to see uh whoever's journey is their journey. Now, Harrison, you grew up, you didn't grow up in New York, though. You grew up, uh, was it in Texas?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, Dallas, Texas. It was a long journey to get to get to New York. Uh so I grew up with my my mom raised me a single mom growing up in Dallas, Texas, uh, from the 70s all the way through through the 80s until I left for uh from high school. Um, but as a little boy, I I always dreamed, or maybe now that I'm thinking about it, manifest it, uh, to be in New York, uh, even when it wasn't the New York that we know it is, know it is now. Um but there was something always special calling me because um either the TV shows that we would watch together or the news programs or the magazines I would read, there was always something like calling me to to New York. So it was a special treat to finally get here when I was an adult.

SPEAKER_02

Growing up in in Texas is quite a bit different uh than New York, or even I live in Oregon on the other side of the country. It's all uh a different ride, and especially in the 1970s and into the 80s, there was a lot to chew there. Uh, what was that like for you being in in that environment uh back then?

SPEAKER_00

That's a good question. Um, I mean, as a kid, you really don't know that much. I mean, basically it's like you know where you grow up and like maybe the four or five blocks. So as a kid from my earliest memories uh growing up with my mom, is you know, we lived in an apartment, so rode my bike every day during the summertime and had to be back, you know, uh before the street lights came on or I'd get in trouble. But it was for the longest time until she got remarried, it was just she and I. So we were, she always tells me the story of she would go someplace with me and try to like make enforce, but encourage me, not enforce, but encouraged me to make friends. And I would tell her, according to her, it's like, you're my friend, and you're the only friend I need. So kind of a kind of a mama's boy, uh, because we were just that that that close. Um and so it was that way up until I think I was maybe nine, and she married my my stepdad. Um, and that that changed. Uh that did change a little bit. But prior to that, it was this um, how do we say this kind of magical situation of like this very um, I want to say big brother, little, sorry, big sister, little brother relationship that I had with had with my mom. Um, and so to kind of frame it that way.

SPEAKER_02

So you were also partially raised by your grandmother too, right? Was she or at least she was in the picture with you? And was she more of if your mom, if if your mom is your friend, is is uh grandma more of the authoritarian, or how does that work?

SPEAKER_00

That's I would yeah, that's a good way of framing it. So during the summer times, uh and we would drive to Mississippi, so it was like an eight-hour drive from Dallas, Texas to to Jackson, Mississippi. And I would spend a lot of my time with my cousins. Um, and so just had cousins on both sides of my on my mom's side and my and my dad's side, and but really identified or really was real close to my to my grandmother. And it wasn't until my gosh, maybe a couple of yeah, a couple of months before the city kind of shut down during the COVID, COVID years, when I'm talking, I'm on the phone with my grandmother, and we usually talk at the a regular time, about once, once a week or so. And out of nowhere, she says, you know, you know why we're so close, right? And I'm like, no, I don't. It's like, well, I raised you. Like, what are you talking about? It's like, well, while your mom was in college, uh, from freshman to to sophomore, I'm sorry, freshman to senior, I was, I I'm the one that took care of you, as well as your aunt Belinda. And it was like this interesting light bulb that went off on my head because my grandmother and I are like this. And she's a person that I could call, talk about politics, talk about anything. And she was super, super sharp. Um, and I always wondered, it's like, why am I close to her? Um, and she's a very complex woman, to be to be honest and to be frank. Uh, she grew up in the 30s, she was born in 1933, and there was like no playbook, if you will, for the way I'm raising my daughter. But um growing up, I understood that in regards to she's a loving woman, but she's also a very challenging, challenging force as well.

SPEAKER_02

And anybody who's from those times, you know, like we kind of morph as time goes on, and especially parenting uh styles. And I tell me if I'm wrong, but at least from my experience, you know, the generation before me, my parents, they were raised by much harder people than them. And then they've raised me, who is a softer version of them as well. So it kind of you go from like, you know, physical punishment and those types of things that are so much more intense in the 30s and the 40s and the 50s, and then it kind of rolls into the 60s and 70s version and on down the line.

SPEAKER_00

That's that's very accurate. Um just thinking about the book that I'm writing, and there's a three-part story of, you know, three women help helped help me to survive, and one little girl is helping me to thrive. And the reason I focused on the three women is because it's my grandmother, it's my aunt, my um, my mother's baby sister, and also my mom. And they all kind of gave me different gifts uh throughout life to help me survive. And it wasn't until we adopted this little girl um nine, about 10 years ago, that things really changed for me. And part of that story is you mentioned earlier about like talking uh two to other dads, especially uh dads that have have little girls. And my grandmother, you know, was very was very authoritarian and very very uh uh she didn't have any other playbook other than like this physical physical punishment towards my mom. And so trying to understanding what she was going through, understanding what my mom is going was going through uh as well, and then trying hard to, I always I call it breaking the circuit and not using that playbook when it comes to my daughter, and thinking, okay, how do I want to show up for my daughter in this situation? This is this is a learning lesson for me, but it's also a learning lesson for her. And those lessons are difficult because it's I feel like it's part of my DNA of even though I didn't get the brunt of the physical um correction with my with my grandmother. My my my mom definitely did. She talks about it even to this day. And um I asked her about it, and she said, you know, I didn't want to carry that forward with you. Um I still got spanked. But um, so it's it's it's it's a different, it's a different way of of how I want to parent my child. And so I'm using those lessons um going forward with now that we have have a daughter, that was not on on the books.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and I can't I I can't wait to get into that because that story is quite amazing. I think um just to to finish up on what you just said there, with your grandmother, you know, there's there's a lot more to chew there for her trying to raise all those children. How many, how many kids did your grandmother have?

SPEAKER_00

She had six six kids. So her story is six kids. So two girls, four boys. My mom was the oldest, my aunt was the youngest, and so between that were four four boys. Um and so the story of my grandmother is very interesting, meaning born in the 30s, and had my had my mother, I think, yeah, had my mother when she was in high school, so about 17 years old, and married my grandfather and basically dropped out of dropped out of high school in order to get married, raise a family. But she was also determined, uh a determined, determined woman. And so in the process of raising six kids and being married, she made up her mind that the only way that she was going to get her family, get herself out of poverty is I need to go back to school. So she went back to get her GED. Um, and then after she got her GED, she went back to, she went to school, went to college at Jackson State University to get her bachelor, Bachelor of Science degree. And then she didn't stop there. She uh finished up and received her master's in in education. And again, this is a woman that uh growing up in the deep deep south, the Jim Crow South, and she had a vision not only for herself, but also for her children at the time of in order for us to get out of get out of our current situation, education is that key. And so it was drilled into all of the kids, I call them kids, my aunts, my aunt, my mom, and my my uncles, uh, it was drilled into her children that you will go to school. There's no if, ends, or buts. Um and they did. Every single, every single one of them. And this is part of my story as well, where I'm the first son, I'm the first grandson. And even though I'm the first grandson, I've always felt like I'm the seventh son or the seventh child of my grandmother and grandfather because there's a lot of similarities in regards to how we think about life, how we handle our money, um, how we treat other people. And it's directly, it's a direct correlation of how well we get along from that. And so those are the parts that I did I have carried over. Well, it isn't it's quite complicated.

SPEAKER_02

It's I was just gonna say it's quite complicated, you know, to paint a person with a single brush, right? You you look at your grandmother, and while they're raised in a time where punishment is different and all those things, she was the first to s change the cycle of I don't want to say behavior, but almost of like pulled you out of the poverty circle. Because no which you find, especially in those scenarios um where she's she's fighting uphill, nobody's coming to bail you out. You know, nobody's gonna give you a handout. And the only way you're gonna do it is the way she did it, and that's to grind. And that's a I think that that's a type of a theme that should be passed on. And and while they come from a time where, yeah, there are some decisions that we'll do different in our time, but they still it's that ability to kind of bite down and push that got you guys to a different place.

SPEAKER_00

I mean and you you hit on something that I um it's the no one's coming to save you. And that's the mentality I think if you would ask not only her, but also my um my uncles, my mom, and my my my aunt, it's the same mentality of nobody's coming to save you. And it sounds kind of dark, but at the same time, it's like I gotta do this for myself. If I if I can if I would do this for myself, then I need to do it for my children. Because again, um it's it's on it's on me. And I saw that earlier on, some early memories, at least with my mom growing up. I think I was four. Um recently, she was recently divorced from from my dad and brand new apartment. I think she had a job, but there was like very little money coming in. It was a one bedroom, one, sorry, one bedroom apartment, just she and I, no furniture. And I just remember one day um she she'd come home and she's like, put your coat on, let's go. And I'm like, where are we going? It's like, don't worry about it. So we're walking. And for a four-year-old, it's a long walk. Now that I think about it, it was probably maybe a half a mile. But it's cold. I think it's November, it's gray, it's dusty. We finally get to the destination. It's McDonald's. I'm like, oh, okay. Never, I don't think we've eaten the McDonald's before. I've seen it before, I've seen the commercials. And so she orders a hamburger, she orders a French fry. Sorry. She orders an oyster for me, and we sit down, and I'm eating. I remember having a smile on my face, and I noticed that she's not eating. And she just wants to make sure that I'm eating. And that's one of the things that I take from my mom, where it's like, I have a responsibility for this little boy. She could have, she could have given me up adoption. She could have like, hey, let your dad take care of you. But she's like, no, I'm I I gotta figure this out. And I think she was probably in her fresh out of college, so whatever that is, 22, 20, 23, 24. And Dallas, Texas, alone by herself. And I asked her one time, it's like, why didn't she just go back home? And it's like, no, I didn't, I didn't want to do that. I needed to figure this out for myself. And that's that's the strength that I come from. That's the strength that I hope that I can pass on to my daughter. And again, it's complicated, but that's the strength that she learned from her from her grandmother. It's like, nobody's gonna do this uh except for you.

SPEAKER_02

So I think also um what you're doing with being a parent now is some of those little themes in there, you know, because while she wanted to make sure you ate, she also, I'm guessing, you know, you're in that apartment, you have no furniture. It's not lost on her that there's a little boy in there who's bumming out a little bit, you know, like you don't have a bunch of toys and you don't have the other stuff, and you're just you're in a room, you know, without a place to sit. And that's not lost on her. And one thing you can do to make a little child happy is you give them some golden delicious French fries, and uh it'll it'll pull them up a notch, right? Um, and so she probably needed that, even though she didn't get part of that food, it was food for the soul to watch you for a moment forget about all that stuff.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_02

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SPEAKER_00

No, I I totally agree. It's one of those things where as a as a parent, I'm always thinking, you know, not creating memories for creating memory's sake, but I'm always thinking, what is what is my daughter, sorry, what is our daughter going to remember when she was young? Uh, because I have like this, I call it superhero freaky memory where I can remember things as early as two or three years old. And so, uh, moments like that. And that's always in the back of my head of how do I, how am I showing up for her? And who does she see? Um, you know, when she walks into the room, am I smiling? Am I happy to see her? So I just want to make sure that she has a good childhood. And it's much more than just like buying stuff, but it's like really engaging with her and really showing her that she's that she that she's loved.

SPEAKER_02

And that's I think that's so important. Um, and I really want to get into the family stuff here with uh with this latest phase of your life. But before that, just a little bit of a backstory. Um that so take me from your time as a kid in Texas and how you end up in the military.

SPEAKER_00

Oh gosh. Um so it's I'm so it's this is a long story. So I have what I call angels in my life. And um there are people that come into my life that have been that guide me and show me the door, and then they just disappear. And there's this woman named Lenora. We were in Jackson State together, freshmen, and she was talking about the GI Bill and how you can get your loans paid off and get this going, and you serve your country. And we're like, oh, well, my grandfather served in the Korean War, my dad served in in the military, he was a captain. I'm like, I guess I should, I guess I can join. And at the same time, I was deeply in the closet. Uh I knew I was attracted to to other other guys, but didn't act on it. And I'm just thinking anything. At the time my life was kind of in a oh no. I lived with my grandmother and my so I moved moved out of Dallas to go live with my grandparents uh in Jackson. And uh, even though my grandmother and grandfather and I were like this, they were still they were still stern. So the idea of a gay uh grandson did not was not on the not on the vision board uh back then. So I just felt like college was not working out for me. And I just figure, well, if I join the military, it will toughen me up, it'll man me up, and maybe I won't be maybe I won't be attracted to other guys anymore. Um plus I can like help pay pay my way through through college because uh it's I have no other other means. So without telling anybody, I went to the to the downtown Army Reserve uh recruiter's office and signed up and signed the papers, and I was gonna be shipped out to basic training in less than about three weeks. And I get home, I tell my grandparents, I call my dad, and everybody's like, what the hell you do that for? And I'm like, well, I need to figure stuff out for myself. Um, I never told anybody the real reason until years later. But it was actually the best thing in my that I could have done to like, I needed a reset. And I just felt like everything was kind of going out of control. My life was getting out of control. I was lying to myself, I was lying to friends and family. And so joining the military helped me just be more focused. And I came back and I was like, you know what? I think, and at that point, I was in a my dad and I were talking, and at the time he was living in Minnesota. So after basic training, I came back and I said, you know what? I'd love to come live come up to Minnesota and live with you if you're if you're open to that. And he said yes. And so that was another benchmark in my life where that changed the trajectory. So it was a combination of the military and moving to Minnesota. So the military was like, you have a job to do. You are an adult, you are an adult man, you have responsibilities, um, single or married. At the time I was single. And so it really just helped me to focus. And that allowed me to start college again and make very good grades and make some friends as well. And so I served in the military for about 12 years, about 12 years, uh, both the Army National Guard and um the Army Reserves. And I had a wonderful time. It was it was a great time. So um, man, made a lot of good friends and that I'm still in con still in contact with today uh as well. So I there's parts of me that missed the military just because of the um the structure and how at the time we we treated one another is as as well.

SPEAKER_02

So that's cool. And I and that kind of builds a backbone for more of that work ethic uh that was put into you as a kid, um, and but on the military level takes it up a notch. Um now you you talk about um uh guardian angels, and I I think that's so important. I think we all have people and and situations where you can look at later in life and you're like, how did that work out for me? You know, how did they guide me here when I'm all over here?

SPEAKER_00

No, I was just thinking the person I was mentioning earlier, though, uh Lenure, I don't think she ever joined the military. And I never saw the glasses after after that.

SPEAKER_02

Lenore had a perfect plan for you, but she wasn't about to sign up.

SPEAKER_00

No, she did.

SPEAKER_02

That is so funny. So you go on to be uh to you were a delivery driver. Um, and is that after the military that you did that? Or or when when were you doing that? Or is that in college? How did that go?

SPEAKER_00

That was in parallel. So in order for me to like pay for, so I went to University of St. Thomas, that's in St. Paul, Minnesota, it's a Catholic university. And so in order for me to like pay for college and get everything else in car, uh so military on the weekends once a month, and then I was the uh was a FedEx driver, uh, delivering packages, picking up packages. Um so my schedule was perfect. So I'd go to school in the morning time, study, and then my shift would start at three o'clock in the afternoon, and then wrap up around about seven, seven or eight in the evening. And so I worked for FedEx for a good three, about almost about three years. Um, and so that helped me to get through, uh, get through college, pay for my monthly uh bills and everything else. So, and that's another piece where at that point, by the time I started college again, my dad and stepmom they moved from Minnesota to to Pennsylvania. And I had an opportunity to like move, move with them. But I said, no, I want to stay here. I want to figure this out on my own. Again, my 20s, mid-20s, somewhere, really not connecting the dots back then. But like there's those survival notes, kind of echoes coming from my grandmother, coming from my mom, of I need to figure this out for my own. I don't, I need to stop living with my dad and stepmom and rely upon them. Like, I need to rely upon myself. And so that was a first uh kind of independence, if you will. Um, and I'm always grateful for them offering me a place to stay. But uh, that was also another way for me to like, you know what, let me figure this out because they were my only family. By the time they left, I made lots of friends. I was invited to Thanksgiving dinners, but that took time. Um but again, similar to the military, I really enjoy FedEx because everybody liked to see the FedEx driver. It was like, oh, you got my package, or you're gonna pick up my package. So uh that was that had a good time there. So uh similar, almost similar to the military, where uh there was a focus, there was a strategy, and uh you knew you you could rely upon the people that were that were kind of standing or working, working, working side side by side with you.

SPEAKER_02

And it kind of keeps you in like when it comes to physical fitness. I have a buddy who was a delivery driver like that years ago, and his number of steps, he was like, I was doing 13, 14,000 steps a day carrying these packages, and so he could work instead of work out, if that makes sense. Like it kind of helped him to do that, and now he doesn't work there anymore, and he's got a he's got a gut.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So he did now he's in a situation where he doesn't uh looks like that. Yeah, exactly. And I'm I'm I'm right there with you. I have to be on a Peloton daily or I can feel it. It's a lot. Um, so I'm I really have to walk the treadmill and do yoga, yeah. Oh, yeah, there you go. I need to do more yoga. You sometimes I go to tie the shoe. I'm like, I need to get loosened up here. Um now let's talk, let's talk about how this amazing story about your daughter. Now, when you told me this, like I just had a big old smile on my face because I feel like um when you talk about guardian angels uh and and these people and and things that help to guide you, I feel like you're one of those people. Um, you and your partner. Um walk me through it a little bit, uh kind of like you did before about how you met the lady at the wedding, uh, ahead of all of this stuff that goes down.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So at the time, um my partner, my husband, is we at we were in New York. We just moved to New York, I think in 2008. The following spring, we flew back to Minnesota for actually for his friends, very good friend, his wedding in St. Paul. And we show up, and um it's one of those things, it was a beautiful day, Saturday, and you're sitting next to people that you don't know because I'm just I'm the plus one. And uh sitting next to me is uh a couple named Amy and Al. And Amy and Al, they grew up in Iowa, and but now they live in Minnesota, and they have about 14 kids with a mix of some are um foster kids, some are adopted, some are biologically uh theirs. But it was this very beautiful family, uh mosaic, if you will, that uh I would learn over over over the night. And I think we did a little dance, that was that was pretty much it. And it was like, oh, that was a nice family, uh nice couple. And so that was 2009, June of 2009, to be precise. So that was my introduction to to Amy. And so Amy and Christopher, my my husband now, um, they were they were friends. They grew up in same in the same city, and that that was the connection, and that was it. So after we left the wedding, there was no exchange of phone numbers, there was no LinkedIn, there was no Facebook, definitely no Instagram back then, I don't think. Um and it wasn't until four years, four or five years later, 20, 2015, um, that I think we just got back, returned from a trip in London, and unbeknownst to me, Amy is texting or Facebook messaging Christopher asking him, My 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Would you like to adopt the baby? Well I didn't find out any of this until later that night. So let me just back up. We get back from a trip, we start the next day, I think it was a Tuesday or Wednesday. Christopher and I are just texting the entire day as couples do. Um, and the reason why we're texting so much is because we're gonna go see Shakespeare in the park. And we're bringing another uh couple with us, uh friends of Christopher, then we're gonna like meet for drinks and dinner. And throughout the entire day, there's no mention of, oh hey, baby. Oh, hey, friend of mine from Iowa is like wants me to like wants us to adopt the baby. So fast forward, the only thing we do talk about is where do we want to meet these guys for dinner and drinks? We find the location, we get there, we're eating and we're drinking from like five until nine, because it's Shakespeare in the park, the show doesn't start till late. The bill comes, and that's when I find out as Topher is signing the bill. And it's like, oh yeah, funny story. Uh, my friend from Minnesota, she asked me to, she asked us to adopt her her her uh her daughter's baby. At which point I was like, are you kidding me? And it wasn't about the baby, it was my my thought process was we've been texting each other all day long. You've been sitting next to me for the last four hours, and now the bill comes and we're in front of friends, they're good friends, but this is how you dropped the information on me. And um, so we went to the show, and funny thing, again, guardian angels. Um prior to that even happening, there's little, I call them seeds or little lights. There's little lights or seeds that have been popping up in my life prior to that. And what I mean by that was I don't know, four maybe three years prior, I felt there was a void in my life or void in my life where I'm like, oh, I want to be like a big brother, big sister, be part of that program. So I signed up for that, had a little brother. That went well. I'm like, oh, there's something still missing. I don't know what that is. And I never told Tofriend, like, I want a baby. Uh the closest thing we talked about of responsibility was we should get a dog. To this day, we never got a dog. Um and then actually a friend of mine uh had reached out to me and asked, you know, would she be open to being a surrogate? And I said, Yeah. Um, but that didn't work out. And then um another kind of light, uh, my grandmother, out of nowhere. She's like, you need to have a child. And I said, Grandma, I'm in New York City. Um, I don't think we weren't, Topher and I weren't married yet. I'm like, um, there's no way we're going to have a child together. And I'm like, I'm the oldest of like five kids between my mom and my dad. I'm like, I've raised enough kids. I'm I'm good. I'm my life is good. I like traveling, buying clothes, I have a good life. I'm not adding a child to that. So that happened. And then the final light or seat was um a year pro so 2014. We go to California to visit my brother. He has a little boy, he's nine years, he's eight years old at the time. Fun kid. We go to like putt-putt, go-karts, and I say to my brother, I'm like, if everyone wants to come to New York and spend a week with his uncles, we'll fly him out. That was that would be a week after I found out that Topher finds out that uh Amy has prop has told us about the about the about the baby. And so fast forward, we found out about the the baby. I say no, but then a week later, we're at my dad's mom's memorial service in Mississippi, and I think I surprised Christopher and I said, I started asking questions. What does it mean to be a dad? What does it mean to be a parent? If we decide to do this, why are we doing this? Um, we live in New York. When I grew up with my mom and with my half-brothers, um, I had cousins before I had brothers, and my cousins were my family. She's not gonna have anybody. So what does that look like? And it was a very open, uh, very frank discussion about life and family for like two hours before the memorial service. So that that happened. Um the following week, my nephew comes to town, he spends the week with us. We take this kid everywhere um to the New York Yankee Stadium for a private tour for a tour. He's a huge baseball fan. Um, take him to the restaurants, bars, the whole bit throughout the city. And we're just thinking at the end of the week, I'm like thinking, wow, if we could ever have a kid, he'd kind of be like this. Kind of cool, easygoing, that whole bit. And it just it showed me a different way of like how I would parent versus how Christopher would parent, because we come from two different backgrounds. And over the summer, I just started um, because on type A, I just started interviewing friends and family who were adopted. And they start asking the questions about, you know, you were adopted into this family. You know, what does that look like? What does that feel like?

SPEAKER_02

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SPEAKER_00

And I had a uh very good friend of mine that uh we worked together at Bloomberg, and she was telling me that she was adopted, which I didn't realize. And she says, you know, she was born in India, but she was adopted by a woman named Sarah, as she calls her, uh from Buffalo, New York. And she says, Sarah doesn't look like me, and I don't look like Sarah. Sarah's a white woman with blonde hair, and Sarah was my mom. And Drew, when she told me that, I started crying. And I said, This is this is it. And it's like, that's the that's what I needed to hear. Um, and so I called up Christopher, I think I think about six o'clock my time, New York time, and said, you know, I don't want to do a shoulda, woulda, coulda. Meaning, I don't want to look back 20 years from now and missed out on this opportunity to raise a child with you. And I'm like, and I said, I'm in if you're in. And it was this situation where um we're both kind of like crying happy tears over the phone. And I said, I just have one condition. For the last, what, two months, the conversation has been with Amy and us, or Amy and Christopher. I said, I want to talk directly to the mom. I want to make sure that the mom is the one that's giving her baby up for adoption and that she's not um being coerced into giving her baby up for it for adoption. And so we sent the, or Christopher sent the text message to Amy, and uh Jada said, Yeah, happy to chat with you. And so we hop on the phone and we're I think we're parking 22nd. We just finished dinner. And so we both had the phone up to our ears, and we just started asking her questions of like, why us? Why now? Um, and she said, you know, I want the baby to grow up in a in a racial relationship. I'm like, okay, check the box. And I said, I want the baby to grow up in a in a major metropolitan city. I'm like, New York City's major. I'm like, check the box. And I want this baby to grow up in a and uh with with two dads. And I'm like, wow, this is very specific. And it didn't dawn upon me until uh two weeks fast forward, I'm jumping ahead, but it didn't dawn upon me until after Janine was born why Jada was so specific about why basically us. And because there was other people kind of waiting in the wings to adopt this beautiful baby. And what I put two and two together, I never asked, even to this day, I never asked Jada, but what I put together was Jada will always be the mom, no matter what. And in the other options of our daughter now, our daughter being adopted, if she would have been adopted in a heterosexual couple family, you family unit, and Jada would have been the birth mom or the other mom or mom too. And the reason why this is so important, I'm skipping ahead a lot, is that there was a journey that I went on where uh we decided to do an open adoption, meaning Janai gets to know her origin story. Janai gets to know who her mom is, um, where she came from. And to be honest, I was not up for that uh before she was born. And we ended up finding a uh an adoption therapist on the upper west side of New York. And it was like this wonderful four foot eleven spark plug spark plug of a uh of a therapist who uh kind of talked like Dr. Ruth, um where she's like she's the model. And I was before the before the session, I was I was gearing up to like, you know, show data, some facts, this whole bit of like the baby's ours, the baby's mine. I'm not sharing this baby with anybody. And she simply said, She's the mother. There's no birth mother, there's no prefix. She will always be the mother. And I just sat back on the couch and like, wow, you're right. Okay, fine. She's the mom. Um, but still my baby. And so the next session was open adoption versus closed adoption. And I'm like, fine, she's the mom, but my baby, I'm sorry, our baby, but my baby. And so the uh therapist, like, she's a very, very smart therapist. Um, she's like, here, read these case studies about open adoption versus closed adoption. And Drew, I read the first case study, and it talked about this kid that was adopted into this very well-to-do family, was given like a BMW, given every particle clothing you could ever think of, high fashion. And but it was a closed adoption. He didn't know his origin story. And he grew up, and there is like this void in his in his soul. And he talks about how it was like this arrested development of I was never good enough, and nobody really wants me. Because eventually he found out that he was adopted, but he didn't know his origin story. Then I read a study number two. Kid was adopted into a blue collar family. He knew his his uh his origin story, he knew at least one of the one of the parents, and he had a fairly decent emotional uh uh uh life growing up. He felt uh he felt wanted, he felt needed, and there was not like a void. There. And it happened, I read those case studies about the same week or so, a few days before uh we got the sonogram, and we found out that she was going to be a girl. And not to be too specific about gender, but I just figure growing up with my mom and my grandmother and my aunt, uh, the things that they have to deal with as women. And now that I'm going to be a dad of a little girl, my immediate thought was she's already going to have issues of like society being against her and other things just because she is she's gonna be a woman. I do not want my fear um to overrule or overtake something from her. And she needs to know who she is, she needs to know her story. And really coming at it from a place of fear of, you know, what if we do this and this? And at, you know, 16 or 12 years old, she's like, I want to go live with my mom. And that's where that fear was coming from. Um, and I called it like Star Trek or Star Wars, or like shields are up, like, nope, nobody's gonna do this. Once I read that case study, I broke down. I'm like, you know what? Whatever we need to do to ensure that she feels healthy physically, but also mentally, forget my fears, forget my own insecurities. This is all about her. And that happened in September. Janai was born in January. We never told Jada what we were doing on the adoption therapy side. And the reason that this is so important is because two days after Janai was born, Jada is the one that asked us, like, I would like to stay in contact with you guys. I would like to stay in contact with Janai. And I think we said yes so fast, it surprised her. And I think she was expecting us to say no. Um, but I'm the one that, and it's all me because Christopher's like, he's like the rock or the anchor for me. He's like, yeah, sure, not a problem. He's like very steady. Me, I'm like, yeah, I need time to think about this. And I'm glad I had that time to think and process and think about it's much more than just me. It's it's her, it's us. Um and I'm so happy now just because we were actually in Minnesota for Christmas just uh last month. And it just put a smile on my face for her to like hang out with her mom. She did like a date night or date day with her mom, but they went to go see the Grinch who stole Christmas at the children's theater. Awesome. And she loves her mom. She loves her mom dearly, and I'm so glad that they have each other. Um, she also has cousins as well, and a whole bit. Yeah. Uh that was a journey that I'm glad I I um that's the the road I took.

SPEAKER_02

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SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I honestly I've never thought about it until you brought it up. I'm crying right now because it's it's we it's weird is the wrong word, but Christopher and I I call him Topher, Christopher for short. Um, we talk about this all the time where she's been on our life for the last it'll be 10 years, and not once do we ever think, oh, she's adopted. It's like she's our daughter. And again, really not thinking about it, but that protective dad parent was there already. And I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, I'm just processing what you just said. I'm like, I've seriously, I've never thought about it that since that time. I'm like, this is what you need to do, Harrison. Um and yeah, I I sorry, I have to process it.

SPEAKER_02

No, it's okay. It's a it's a testament to how you're raised too, you know, and while there are hard times in there, I I just keep thinking back to like the McDonald's situation with your mom. And you know, it's it's that stuff that, and while you don't see it as a child, you reflect on it as an adult and you see that that that's in your DNA to be a protector. And as it was your mom and your grandmother, and you know, and your aunt on down the line, because you know, really at the end of the day, there's almost like an animal instinct that comes out for a good parent. You know, we don't all do it right, but it you're just like, okay, now I protect that person forever, as long as they will allow it. And uh yeah, I mean you're doing a great job there. Now, what how does that go? Um, she's born, she moves to New York then. How does you guys you get going there and then so yeah, so this is part of the um the the angel that I kind of mentioned a little bit earlier in our in our conversation.

SPEAKER_00

So because Janae was born in Minnesota, and because we live in New York, the adoption laws, they're not federalized, they're uh each state has their own uh way that how they manage adoption. And so Minnesota, the mother has, I think, two to three weeks to change her mind and say no. And there is a moment, so Jennai was born, Jennai was born January 26th. We're at the hospital the day before she's the night before she's born, and Amy's giving us updates, text messages, the whole bit that, you know, uh baby's on the way. Finally, at 4:15, she's born. We go to the hospital, hospital room. We see her for the first time. We give her a bath, we're holding her the whole bit. The hospital was so gracious to us, Drew. They gave us a room next to Jada, and um we had like they would bring Jedi in a little bassinet, and she would like to slip, sleep next to us on the bassinet. That was Monday night. We go out for dinner, we come back, sleep. Tuesday morning, the night nurse wakes us up at 2 a.m., says the mother wants to see the baby. I'm like, okay. And we go into they cart the baby to Janai to to Jada's room. The light is low, there's like one little lamp on, there's like balled up tissue tissues strewn all over the floor. And in that moment, I'm like, oh, okay, this is it. And Jada just starts talking about what was what was it like to carry this baby for nine months. And now she's going to be uh raised by by these these two guys that she just met. Um, and she's just talking, and it was Christopher that says, Would you like to keep the baby in your room for for for the Would you like to keep the baby? He didn't qualify it. And she said, Yeah, I would I would like that. And so we went, Topher and I went back to the room uh other side, and we both kind of looked at each other, didn't say anything, but in our mind, we're thinking, well, that's it. Um about seven o'clock in the morning, we wake up, Janai is her bassinet is somebody rolled a baby back into a room without us knowing it. And it was feeding time. And we both start crying, and it's like, okay, looks like she changed, changed her mind. So over the course of the next two weeks, because Minnesota had like the two or three-week law, the mother can change her mind. We stayed in an Airbnb. And over the course of that time, I was asking Amy, her Janaya's grandmother, Jada's mom's mother, yeah, about I've never asked this from you before, but like, why us? We weren't on Facebook saying we want to dick fat baby. Uh, we weren't on the socials saying, you know, baby for hire or whatever. It's like we were living our our lives. And she says, I woke up one morning and you two, there was a small voice that said, Call Christopher and Harrison. And I grew up in the South. I would I'm Southern Baptist, um, and I'm spiritual, I believe, and there's certain things I don't touch, and there's certain things I don't ask. But as soon as someone tells me it's like I had I had the voice, I back away. My my defense, my fight mode, it goes, it goes away. And I'm like, okay, okay. And because as I said before, there was other families kind of waiting on the wings that were wanting to adopt the baby, but it was Jada that uh made the ultimate decision. And she said that uh she told Jada when she had the voice in her head um to reach out to Christopher and Harrison in New York. She approached Jada, told them, uh, told Jada about us. I think she had a picture of us somewhere. And Jada's like, yeah, let's I I this is what I want. And that's how Janai Kane came into our lives. Um that's amazing. And again, it's that small angel um meeting Amy in 2020, and then fast forward, she's we come to her mind in 2015. You guys must be a ton of fun at a wedding.

SPEAKER_02

I'm guessing that you guys are just so much fun at a wedding that you cannot forget these guys. I mean, they they can they can talk you up, share some wine, and shake a leg on the dance floor and never be forgotten.

SPEAKER_00

That's what we did at I obviously that's what we did.

SPEAKER_02

It was a beautiful wedding. It sounds like it. Well, Harrison, I think that um it's it all happened for a reason. Um, I I just feel like this the reason why it's you and Christopher is because it was supposed to be you, and that there's other families, and of course there's good people, but this was this little girl and you two, that's the destiny right there. That's that's what's uh and as she grows, you know. I have I have a 10-year-old daughter, an eight-year-old daughter, and a two-year-old daughter. And the 10-year-old, you can see they're starting to kind of flower into this amazing human being on another level. They're always great, but now they're critical thinking and they're so loving and they're special. And I mean, and that smile is fuel, you know. And and for me, like I wake up and it doesn't matter what mood you're in, those kids or the even just one of them, they could come give you that hug or tell you, I love you, dad, and it just everything goes away.

SPEAKER_00

You know, and changes everything, yeah. Mm-hmm. So what is what is they look forward to that in the mornings?

SPEAKER_02

Yes, absolutely. And and honestly, and you know, I've gone recently gone through a career change, and you know, there's a lot of mornings you wake up with anxiety and you're like frantically riding an exercise bike or like pounding out emails, and then they come down the stairs and it just washes it away. And they are medicine. I really do believe that. I mean, I are you and I we have to pay their bills, but it pays it back tenfold what they give us in return.

SPEAKER_00

I have no complaints whatsoever because whatever this little girl came into our lives. I mean, especially for me, it's like I don't know, at the right moment, the right time, where it softened the rough edges of me. Um, because I am the oldest of what I said this earlier of like five, five kids. So I have two half-brothers on my mom's side and two uh two brothers and a sister on my on my dad's side. And my way of raising my brothers was very before I was in the military, it was very, very strict, very kind of similar to my grandmother. Um and when I discovered when I got the sonogram September 14th that she was going to be a girl, I was like super, super excited because I was just thinking, I need something, someone to like just round me out. And I know that's a lot to put on a kid or anybody, but it really has. It's really it, I feel like she's helped me to be more empathetic. She's helped me to like slow down. Um, and I said this earlier before about circuit breaking. It's like, oh. This is how your mom would have responded. This is how one of your uncles would have responded to it. Is this how you want to show up for her? And the answer is always no. And so then the next piece is, well, how do you want to show up? And that never happened because I didn't have the tools. I mean, definitely didn't have the tools as a kid raising my own brothers. Um, and it's shown up in my professional life as well. It's shown up in my personal life with uh with Christopher. And I don't get it right 100% of the time, but at least I'm aware of it how do I want to do this differently? I know what I want to say, it may not be the right tone, but how do we want to do this differently so that way both sides win? Both sides walk away feeling good and not being defeated or not being deflated. Because I'm just thinking, that's not my goal. My goal is especially as a dad, a person, a friend of mine asked, like, what kind of dad do you think you are? Or like, how would you describe your, your, your, your parenting style? There we go. And I said, it's more like a coach slash uncle. Um, it's like, yeah, I'm her dad, but it's really, I really feel like I'm here to teach her. And she's teaching me, but that's the I say that's my North Star. And again, don't always get it right, but like that's how I see her in any situation. And even in the like the most difficult times, it's like, okay, what did you learn from this? And those are questions I ask myself. I definitely ask her. So again, I'm so grateful that she's in our lives. Um, because as you said before, it's it is like medicine. It's it's it's mat it's it's magical.

SPEAKER_02

So and I feel like they're constantly changing me as well. And I and it's probably the same for you that I liken it to as guys, um most guys in general, we're all if we're a rock, we're a jagged rock. And having a daughter, and and you know, some some rocks are more jagged than others, but having a daughter to me is like a river on a rock, you know, like that while it doesn't change you necessarily today, that over time it just softens the edges, like you said, and and it changes you. You know, my dad, he raised four boys, and there's a lot of everybody quiet. Wow, you know, and now while it's not like abuse, they have to they have to raise up all the time. And and I've had to learn over time that especially with girls, that there's no standing over them. There's no, you know, you don't you don't use your presence even on accident, and and it's about feelings and and talking it out and and all of those things that I think that um and I'm I'm not perfect either. I'm not the my North Star is still way up here, but as long as we have those things in our minds and that we can we can know that you know they are the the end goal is to raise a human being who's better than us, and that's what our parents' parents are just going through up a line. And I just truly believe right that uh you are you're you've got those ideals and that you guys have a baseline here where this this little girl's very lucky to have you, and and she's probably destined for some incredible things and maybe some high-level fashion if you'll allow it. She is daddy's girl. So well, that's great. Well, um, I I I'm so glad that um you were able to come on here and share your story. And um, I I hope to keep in contact with you and uh I'll send you some pictures of of my little girls, and uh hopefully you'll do the same and uh bring a big old smile to my face. But it's nice to see a guy who um definitely your entire family is an inspiration to me that you guys you you didn't just let the narrative be written for you all the way from your grandmother taking the family and going back to school and grinding, pushing that on your mom and her brothers and sister, and then on to you, and then on to your daughter. It's all you're just building better humans all the time over there, Harrison. Um, and I'm trying to do the same thing. I'm I'm very happy to have met you and to be able to share your stories.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you. Thank you so much for inviting me to chat with me. I really enjoyed. As I said before, I love talking with other other dads uh as well, because it's like it's it's we have similar-ish journeys or backgrounds of like how we were raised. And at the same time, we're like, I would have do this differently. And it's like, okay, how? So thank you for this conversation. I really appreciate it. This this was medicine, so thank you.

SPEAKER_02

Well, same for me. You're an inspiration. Thank you so much, and uh have a great rest of your day. All right, Harrison. You too. Take care, Drew.