From Cocaine Chaos to World-Class Cyclist

Felipe Nystrom’s story isn’t about cycling—it’s about survival, and what comes after.

Raised in an environment marked by both physical and sexual abuse, Felipe carried trauma that most people never see, let alone understand. For years, he coped the only way he knew how—through drugs and alcohol—numbing pain that refused to stay buried. What followed were a series of near-death experiences that forced a reckoning: continue down a path that was slowly taking everything, or fight for something different.

He chose to fight.

In this episode, Felipe shares how he began the long, brutal process of rebuilding his life—trading addiction for discipline, and chaos for purpose. What started as a personal escape through cycling became something much bigger, eventually pushing him to compete at a world-class level. But the real transformation didn’t happen on the bike—it happened within.

Today, Felipe is a father, an advocate, and a man determined to break the cycle that once defined his life. His story is a raw, honest look at trauma, addiction, and the power of choosing a different ending.

This isn’t just a comeback story. It’s proof that even the deepest wounds don’t have to dictate the rest of your life.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I went to a used clothes store and stole a pair of jeans. And I went to another one and I stole a pair of a polo shirt because that night was going to be my last night. And when they found me, I didn't want to be in the rags that I was in. And I had a little bit of money left over to check myself into one of these like bad hotels. Like this CD. It's super CD. And so I was going to be able to like take a shower, put clean clothes on, and then that was going to be it. I was just going to go until my heart stopped.

SPEAKER_02 0:45

It's the Fit for Radio Podcast. I'm your host, Drew Tyteman. And as always, we are here at the Stafford Hills Club where you can do it all. You can drop your kid in the kids' club, head off to the pool, maybe do a nice little workout upstairs in the brand new workout facilities. They've got classes, the whole deal. And of course, it is also the elite tennis center in the area and ranked number one health and wellness facility in the entire Portland area. Check them out today at Staffordhills.com. Tell them Drew sent you for half off your initiation. Today's guest, I've been really excited to sit down with him, and he's a busy guy, so I'm glad he could squeeze us in. This is a guy who's seen it all from uh a tough upbringing to a soccer phenomena. And then, of course, finds himself in some troubled water and then comes out the other side, still in a sports world in kind of a surprising way. I'd like to uh introduce to the show Felipe Nistrom. Oh, hey.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

Thanks. Thanks. That's a great intro. It's hard to follow.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

Well, it's it's great to have you. And I know you're a humble guy, but um you've been through a lot and you really wrote your own story here, which is is pretty cool. A lot of people uh would have faced the things that you faced and then um not necessarily come out the other side. Now let's start off. You were born and raised in Costa Rica?

SPEAKER_00 2:13

I was, yep. Uh born in San Jose, Costa Rica. Um my mom, she liked to move around a lot, so I can't really say I lived too long in one place. Um, I think by the time I was eight, nine years old, we had moved about 13 times. Oh wow. Um but there is one town, Santa Ana. It's on the just west of the capital, San Jose. That would be where we spent the most years.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

Okay. And so during this time, your your mom's an American, correct? And your dad's from Costa Rica?

SPEAKER_00 2:49

Correct. So my mom went to went down to Costa Rica in 78 with the Peace Corps. She was down there for a couple of years, loved it, uh, basically came back, got her stuff, and then moved back to Costa Rica, never came back to the US. Oh wow. And as part of what she was doing down there. So at the time she was uh helping this indigenous excuse me, indigenous community, uh, read and write, things like that. And that's where she met my dad, uh place called Talamanca, which is on the Atlantic coast of Costa Rica.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

And so do they get married or do they just have a baby, or how does how is he in your life?

SPEAKER_00 3:28

Uh no, no. So uh this was 80s, right? And even today, it's like a five-hour drive across a river, then like a three-hour horseback ride, and then another two-hour hike to get up to this like extremely difficult to get up there. Wow. Uh, and this is today, right? So 80s uh or harder to get to. Yeah. So um I think my mom was was afraid of having a baby out in the middle of nowhere. Uh and my dad, he um like all he knew was the that mountain. Um so she came back to the to the capital and he stayed there.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

And so during those early years, you deal with a lot of stuff. Is that um I'm guessing partially because your mom is kind of a nomad, she's moving around and not giving you like a solidified place to stay. Um, what kind of stuff were you dealing with during that time?

SPEAKER_00 4:25

You know, um, it's always interesting talking about this because um one one thing I'll say about my mom is uh as a human being, she's amazing. I mean, she's helped hundreds, thousands of people uh come out of poverty. She you know, she has a foundation, she runs a foundation down there. Um, and it's all about building schools and communities that don't have schools, um, helping single mothers come out of wherever they are, help them get jobs. So um she's helped uh a lot of people. But that is very hard work and it requires a lot of time. And the sacrifice or the the other side of that is that all of that time that's spent doing that was time that wasn't with us. It yeah, and I have a lot of people.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

You're not you're not with your kids because you're helping all these other people.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Right. And so um unfortunately, my my my first memories uh of life are basically uh living in terror because uh one of the things, one of the projects she was working on was uh helping um refugees from the Salvadorian War. This was like late 70s, 80s. So there's refugees, she was helping refugees come to Costa Rica and then helping them get set up here, finding them places to live. And um, she met who later became my brother's father.

SPEAKER_05 5:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Um young guy, um seen who knows what through the war in El Salvador, uh, not necessarily fit to be a stepfather, and a guardian. Uh so alcoholic. And so he like he would he would come home and just start beating me. This was when I was about maybe two years old. Um and so like my my first memories actually it's interesting, even to this day, and when I set up my drawers for my clothes, my sock and underwear drawer is always at the bottom on the bottom drawer. Um and then everything else is on top on the other doors. And it's uh because the bottom, that's where my socks and underwear or like my clothes were um then. Whenever I would hear the gate open and note and I knew it was him, I would run and hide in there. Oh my. And hope that he wouldn't find me. And a lot of times because he was so drunk, he'd just like I'd see him like stumble around. Um pass by and miss. But he did find me quite a few uh quite a few times.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

So, and I have I've got three kids, and one of them, um, they call her my caboose. That's what they were uh somebody said the other day. So she's quite a bit younger than my other kids. They've got a 10, an eight, and a two and a half year old. And so having just been holding her an hour ago or so, a two-year-old is so fragile, both mentally and physically. And um, like you can do real harm during that time. Yeah, they say that a a child, the way that they see an adult is completely formed by the age of four. And so, you know, you gotta think during that time, your formative early years, you're having to hide and and cower in fear.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Yeah. But obviously, I was um I was very little, so like uh the exact timeline is is a little fuzzy, but um you're young, young. Yeah. And uh the there was a another woman, another Salvadorian refugee, who actually I consider her like my grandmother, my my my grandmother from another mother. Um and my mom had was had hired her to uh take care of me. Yeah. And she was the one that stood up for me. She would get in between this guy and and and me. Um she I she took some some some licks as well. Yeah from this guy. That's brave of her. Um and so she she really became like a a mother, uh a mother, grandmother figure to me. Eventually, my mom finally left this guy, or he left. I'm I don't know. I'm not sure. He was gone. And there was a time where she didn't really have a partner. Um she actually, I in hindsight, like now, because I've been doing done a lot of work on like all of all of those years. Uh, and I think my mom at had there was some level of jealousy with this other, this Marta is her name. Uh um with how well she was taking care of me and how how well I got along with her. So she ended up firing her. Of course. Um, and that that was really important because that was like the person that made me feel safe. And now she's gone. And now she's gone. Um, and my mom is still doing all this work, she's never around, um, which again is is great work, super important. But there's collateral damage. Yeah, uh on the family side. And so her her her theory, or I guess the way she saw it was if we had a pair of shoes, even if they were like just barely hanging on, but we had a pair of shoes, we had enough because there were other people who didn't have shoes. So she needed to work as hard as she could so she could get all these other people's shoes.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Which so there was a lot of times then that she couldn't see you guys, basically. She's so engulfed in this big kind of overwhelm overarching help that the most important ones that need to be helped are whether it's on accident or not are being overseen.

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Yeah, yeah. And in her mind, even to the well, I haven't talked to her in a long time. Uh, I have in once I well, we'll talk about recovery later, but I tried to reach out um later on. She just doesn't she doesn't see it. She's a we're alive. So that was good enough. Yeah, I can totally see that.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

So is this abuse? Uh is it are you still getting Yeah?

SPEAKER_00 10:37

So the reason that was important was so once Marta was gone, now um by this time there was my brother, so now I'm a little older, five, six, seven, eight, my brother's a couple years younger. She would just find random people to to leave us with. Um that's not good. And so um one of the things that I've always tried to, I guess it was a a r a really big um oh, what's the word? Um that just really stuck with me was the was these Tuesday and Thursday women's meetings she would have where she it was women who had suffered from abuse, um, domestic violence, rap rape, I don't know if we can rape physical, sexual abuse, all the stuff. Um so she had these women's groups that she would go to um six to eight, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Uh so that meant with me being you know five, six, seven uh years old, my brother being a couple years younger, so he was like three, four, five, um we needed to be left with somebody, and she would just find whoever could leave us with. And so there was one particular babysitter, a a woman, um, who was sexually abusing me. Um and I think, and again, with the work that I've done afterwards, um one of the hardest things about that time was not just the abuse, was whenever it was whenever she was my mom was leaving, I would throw these horrible temper tantrums. I remember like I rem I would yell and kick and scream and cry. And to her, I was just being throwing a fit. Throwing a temper tantrum. Did you would you tell her what was happening? I don't I don't think so. I don't know. Couldn't articulate that. I didn't I don't think I had the words to to to it's it's guessing you're afraid of it. You don't you don't know, you don't really know what's going on. Like it doesn't feel right.

SPEAKER_02 12:43

But you don't You're too young to compute and be like, hey, mom, this is sexual abuse.

SPEAKER_00 12:48

Yeah. Um I don't like it as we for me it was don't leave, don't leave, don't you know, don't go, don't leave us. Uh that was the kind of thing that I would say. But because I was throwing a temper tantrum, then she would spank me or like hit me.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

So you're getting uh you're getting abuse as you're trying to run from the abuse from another.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

Exactly. Um and so now I had just gotten beat by my mom because I was throwing this temper tantrum. Then this what this woman would come in, she would sexually abuse me. And it was just um traumatic, really, really bad, a really rad situation. A few times, unfortunately, uh that lady wasn't, that woman wasn't available. So she left us with with different guys. One of them also sexually abused me. And uh it was the same thing. Like, I never want to see that guy, I never want to stay here with that guy. And she would like, I need to go help these women, these women need me, you're fine, you're just being a brat, you know, things like that.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

And think about that. She's going to help people who are the victims of abuse. And while that's happening, you're a victim of abuse.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

Yep. This this created this feeling of I knew things were wrong, but also this is my mother, and she's telling me that this is what the right thing is, so I need to listen to that. And so my my mind was completely split. Like deep down, I knew it was bad, I knew it was wrong. But she's telling me that it's fine, that this is what needs to happen. Um and if I go against what she says, then I get in trouble. If I go with what she says, I get hurt. Um There's no way out, there's no clean path. There wasn't. And of course, being so young, at the time I didn't really, really see it this way. I didn't know what was going on, didn't know how to process those feelings. Um But those first this this continued until I was about maybe 10 years old, because then my sister's father came in to the picture, another Salvadorian refugee. Um and same thing, young guy. Um, he would just hit us. He wasn't as bad as the the first one. The first one was the worst. I brought my brother's dad. He was he was really bad. Um, this other guy, he was you know, he he just didn't know what to do with with three kids.

SPEAKER_02 15:16

Yeah, he was kind of flung into it. Two of them that weren't his. And so many of these people, and I'm not, and let me make this clear, I'm not making excuses for them, but you come from a different place in a different time than we're looking at now. You know, like even myself and you know, you are a perfect example, but we were all spanked. We were all there was more physical violence involved in quote unquote raising a child then than there is now. Like my kids have never been spanked, partially because they're girls, and that would, I just I feel weird, you know. But it's also it's a different time. And when you're coming from a different culture too, who knows if they were getting just beat ramply as a child? I'm guessing they were if they are growing up to be an alcoholic and to hit first. Yep. And so, like I said, that's no excuse. It's just a culture of abuse that rolls downhill.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

And I think that's super important. And it's part of uh a really big motivator in my life today, um, because it's exactly that. Um that today I I can kind of extract myself from that, from the situation, look at try to look at it objectively and see what I can learn from it. Um and I can only imagine the things that they have seen. I mean, they're coming from this horrible war, like family members getting dismembered in front of them, this all sorts of things happening. Um so they're not in the best place to to be able to raise children, plus whatever they went through when they were when they were uh when they were kids, right? And how they were raised, exactly that. They have scars that they're working to. Yeah. And so for me, uh today that's really important because I get to choose whether I want to continue that pattern, or I can say, that was wrong. I'm going to it's a clean slate. So starting my generation stops here, it stops here. And so between for my between my son and myself, we're gonna do things differently. Yes. Um so I'll this continued until I was about maybe 10-ish, 13 home life. Then uh this is another example of like the the good and the bad. So because of the work that my mom uh did, she knew a lot of she knew a lot of people. She's she was in education, um, and she helped start some really good schools, private schools in in Costa Rica, one of them called Country Day School. Um, and this is a school that was uh uh founded to give because of Dole and Chiquita, Bananas, and all these US companies had their people come go being sent to the to Costa Rica to run operations, things like that. They wanted their kids to have a US uh education. Okay. So these are private schools, super expensive, super really like uh really, really good education. Yeah, lucky to have that in that space. And so I got to go there for free. Nice. Kids are mean.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

Yeah, they are. Some rich kids, not all, not all. A lot of yeah, and especially at that age and in that time frame of years, too. It was I feel like there was no reporting the bully, all the stuff it just kept going bam, bam, bam.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

Yep. So, you know, they find out we don't have money. Um, and it wasn't necessarily that my family didn't have money, like my mom's family, the family in the US, were they okay, you know? Um it's not to make it seem like I was like I was dirt poor.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

But in their mind, they're the hoity toity. They've they have it all, and so those who have a little or even a medium amount is poor to them.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

And it's more like that my mom made the dis would was making the conscious decision to live a certain way so that she could give more to other to other people.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

But kids don't see it that way. They're just like, well, you have enough.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah, exactly. So that's when bullying started. So now the home life, there there isn't a guy anymore.

SPEAKER_02 19:29

But it's at school that you're suffering the abuse.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

And after so many years of uh basically all of my formative views, like all I've known up until that point is fear and feeling like I'm not worthy, feeling like I'm less than everybody else. Ultimately, like I actually that I deserve to to to be treated the way I'm being treated. And it just becomes normal. Um, so there isn't anything. There's it's not like today where like you can report bullies and things like that.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

Yeah, and then it actually stops. No, none of that. You get more beat up.

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Yeah, a hundred percent. So um again, it's the the I don't know, let's call it the yin and the yang. I'm getting this amazing education, right? But at this at the at the same time, it's horrible. You're going through hell.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Yeah, exactly. You're like, I almost would prefer to go to a bad school where they're nice to me. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

Um so it actually got and again, the most of what I what I can talk about now is after many years of working on myself and and realizing what was happening back then. At the time I I didn't know what was happening. Um but I think the very first time my body just broke down was when I was in sixth grade. Um, I started getting asthma out of the blue. Oh. Um, and it was basically stress-induced asthma because of every kind of like a mini panic attack. Yeah. And I actually ended up being in the hospital, uh, going having to go to the hospital several times. It was the worst time I was in the hospital for like two weeks trying to get rid of this this asthma. I don't really get asthma, uh, or like I all of a sudden just can't breathe. Usually it's like I get a little sick, maybe allergies, colds, and then asthma, and it's always dealing with with for two weeks. The intensity or like how bad it is can can vary, but it's always just two weeks. That's interesting.

SPEAKER_02 21:37

Um funny how the body reacts too. It's like even if you're like, Okay, I'm fine, subconsciously you're not, and so you're not like your nervous system can't handle it.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

Yep. And I think that's I don't know, I the what I decided is that uh the two weeks is just what my body needs to reset. It's like it it broke down, it needs to get away from everything.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

It needs a little rest stop. Two weeks. Right back.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

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SPEAKER_00 23:26

Um yeah, so absolutely. So sports. Um I was always into into sports. I was in gymnastics. Um, I was uh playing started playing soccer. Um actually when I was eight, I joined my first team. And uh sports, but specifically soccer. Uh that uh was it ended up being like my escape. So when all of this was happening, you know, uh uh in school or at home, when I was on the soccer field, it's like everything went away. Um no one could do anything to you. There there were the rules for the most part they were followed.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

If you hurt me here, you're getting a yellow card.

SPEAKER_00 24:12

There was a family component to it. Yes to a team. But being part of a team where you work together, which is something that I do not have, didn't was not getting at home. And it actually made me uh I'm like fiercely loyal to teams. Uh whenever I'm part of one, like I'm it becomes like my family.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

You're all in.

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Yeah. And I guess subconsciously, again, eight, nine, ten years old, you don't you don't think about these things, you don't process them, but subconsciously it be it's it just became my escape to the point where I was now a little bit bigger or older. So I I didn't have to be at home all the time. I didn't have to be taken care of by somebody. I could just go out and you know ride my bike to the soccer field and play until it was dark, and then because before you you just go and you come back at some point, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:07

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 25:09

Oh yeah, it was just you were in the wind back then.

SPEAKER_01 25:13

Yeah, maybe you go you go and maybe at some point you come back. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Uh so I joined my first soccer team, everyone was eight, and it was great. Um, and then one time we played against one of the biggest teams in the country, their development teams, Saprisa. I don't know. They've come to play the Timbers a couple times. Yeah. And they liked how I played, so after the game, they came up to me and asked me if I wanted to do a play with them, which would have been an amazing opportunity. Um and the problem was where they were they trained is in this park in San Jose. It's not the most safe place out in the dark. Um I was what 10, 11, 12 years old. And uh so my mom, because of the work she was doing again, she's doing all this this amazing stuff, helping people, but that meant I didn't have a ride. Of course. So to get to this place, it meant having to take like a an hour and a half long bus ride, crossing this dangerous park by myself, training from like four to six, and then now it's evening. Do it all again park again at night, and then the hour and a half back home. And so it was it it I didn't last very long there because I was scared of the park.

SPEAKER_02 26:33

Yeah, it makes sense. That's a lot for a kid to deal with.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

Yeah, so but I still continue to play soccer. Um in sixth grade, uh, I couldn't keep going to bullying, just it was just too much at that school. So I I went to a different school. Around 12, 13, I also got into cycling a little bit. So I would go and ride my go and ride my bike in the morning to train. Yeah. Uh go to school, then from school go to the soccer field because uh now I'm let's say 12, 13 years old, now I'm a little bit older. Um, got myself on another team, on a uh the development team for another first division team. Um would train four to six, go home, go to gymnastics. It was anything I could do to not go home. Like just to be outside of the house. I just would did not want to be there. Um and everything was trying to find ways to to do it um for free, basically. So like gymnastics, I would clean the gym in exchange to for be able to do it. Be able to train, right? That's cool. Um, or some on Saturdays they had birthday parties, so I'd work the birthday parties so you could do do that.

SPEAKER_02 27:52

So you were driven early. I mean, most kids when they're that age are not gonna go take long bus rides to practice, and they're not going to work hard to to be somewhere even if you can't afford it. It's like, oh well, we can't do it, can't do it. So you were you were driven to get it done.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Trying to now I I try to put a positive spin on everything that on the things that happened to me. So yeah, I was driven because I didn't want to be home. Yeah, it was painful to be to be there. So it was like, or figure it out, you know?

SPEAKER_02 28:25

And I have a feeling that that's probably uh was a hard thing. You know how your your mom you've said that where you've tried to address these things with her as an adult, and then she's like, uh no, you were fine. I feel like part of it is when she hears all those things, it's a lot easier to put a band-aid on it than to admit that I mean th the writings on the wall, your child doesn't want to be at your house. And so there's a problem, right? Like if if my girls don't want to be at my house, why? And if the why is I didn't keep them safe, that's gonna be hard for me to hear. Right. And even if I'm, you know, you're in the wrong, you can see why a parent, especially from a generation ago, are gonna deflect and they're gonna push a handout. I don't want to hear you because it hurt the truth, it hurts too much. So why not live with blinders on? You know, I kind of feel like that's what happened.

SPEAKER_00 29:18

Yeah, and it's hard because especially now, um, because I obviously went around when went about addressing it before in all the incorrect ways, right? There was yelling, it was like lashing out.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

Um so over the last decade that I've been in recovery, one of the times I've tried to address it, just having a conversation for her, it's like trying to doing it the way we were doing it 20 years ago. Oh, so she gets all agitated. She gets, you know, she goes from zero to a hundred. And you're trying to stay calm and talk. Yeah. Um and ultimately what it comes down to is she just doesn't see an she doesn't see what it's it'd be one thing if she knew she did something wrong and was just trying to deny it. She just doesn't see it. She doesn't see any of it. That she doesn't she thinks it was fine. She she thinks dissolved. She did the right thing. And that's where we we we just can't seem to break through that that barrier.

SPEAKER_02 30:24

Because it's not fair to you for you to just say, okay, then that's the way it was, because that narrative isn't correct. And so you can't let history say that, or else then it's all your fault. That's not that's not cool or fair.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

Yeah. Yeah. And it and again, it's one of those things where I could continue to try to hurt myself. Uh I think one of the one of the things that happens when when you go through these traumatic experiences, you tend to either uh repeat them, uh, and the and the way it comes out is you pass it on to other people. So you do the same things to other people, or you internalize it and you do the damage to yourself. And I was definitely, I'm one to I don't want to hurt anybody. I will definitely damage myself all the way all day. But I think it's part of the reason why I'm semi-okay at riding bikes. Because you can take the phone. When it hurts, it's like I'm gonna hurt more than you can.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

Yeah. And and we we're gonna get to that because that becomes a big part of your story. Now, at some point, soccer dries up for you, uh, because are you getting hurt? What what happens in your soccer career?

SPEAKER_00 31:36

So there's a few different components to it. Um one is so now we're talking, let's say 15, 16 years old. Yeah. Brothers 13, 14. My brother actually started using drugs when he was eight. Whoa. And there were a lot of problems at home with that because you know, I'd have my go and do my little odd jobs, we'd try to save some money, he would steal it uh to go buy drugs. I'd tell my mom, and my mom would get mad at me for blame for for lying about him stealing. Oh, so even then to this day, they have a very codependent relation. It's a really weird codependent relationship where he knows she wasn't there for him, and she knows the things he's doing. When to with each other, they have a terrible relationship, but to the outside world, he only speaks wonders about her, and then she only speaks wonders about him. So they have this like they're like the public relations officer for each person. Exactly. And so they get along, they get along great to the outside world.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Yeah, but then when they'll bicker to each other.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Um 1617. I think all this stuff started catching up with me. Uh, and now that just finding all the sports or just being outside of the house is not enough. Shouldn't have been. You know, all I needed help. I needed professional help. And I didn't have didn't have that help. I didn't have the resources. At the time I didn't know I needed the help.

SPEAKER_02 33:13

You were kind of just kept pushing it down and pushing it down.

SPEAKER_00 33:16

And so one day it was uh right on the brink. I brought I had already dressed for first division games. Um and I was really young to do it, 17-ish. So I was close, and then one day during training, uh we both to this other guy and I got to the ball right about the same time and he broke my ankle. One of the first things they told me was that I wouldn't I wasn't gonna be it would be really hard to play again. And unfortunately, I think I let myself get defeated by that. I don't know in hindsight, maybe it's maybe maybe I wasn't gonna be able to play at that level anymore. Uh or if I had maybe worked hard, maybe I could have come back. Um I didn't give myself that opportunity. I just took it and defeated myself.

SPEAKER_02 34:13

The hope had been dashed.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

Everything that I had worked for, the thing that I thought I wanted to do, the thing that I wanted that I was that made me happy, that I was passionate about was now gone. And without the support of having anybody to to talk to, um I think I I I I my my my part, my responsibility is I probably made the the wrong choice and didn't even try. I just took it. Um and that's when I think throughout my life I was always depressed. I just didn't know it. When that was taken away, or when I thought it was taken away, I think uh all of these things that I was pushing down for all those years, just all of a sudden came up, right to the surface exploded. Um and I was like, life isn't fair, you know. I had good grades, I train, I do this, and I can't get anything, and then you know, just uh self-pity, the woe is me, big victimizing myself. Uh in in I'm in in the recovery groups, and one of the sayings is like, poor me, poor me, when because you start getting into this thing, like poor, poor me, poor me, poor me, poor me, and then that poor me uh leads to pour me another drink, and pour me another drink, and another. Um I was like, I think it was like a turning point was well, you know, at this, you know, my brother's doing like all the drugs, drinking, and he seems to have a great relationship with my mom. Okay, I'm gonna drink a beer. Yeah. And that was that was one of the first the like the first time I was like a drink. Uh and I hated it. It tasted horrible.

SPEAKER_01 36:04

Yeah, that first beer tastes awful. Why do people want to do this?

SPEAKER_02 36:08

Yeah, I think honestly, the first time I, you know, I got peer pressured into a beer, I I'm pretty sure that I turned my back and poured half of it into the into the grass because I was like, I don't this is disgusting.

SPEAKER_00 36:20

Yeah, yeah. And then uh I remember the first time I got like really drunk. Um uh they kept giving me rum and coke. And I'm like, yeah, and then I don't even know how many I drank. It was probably like three of them, but I was gone. I was vomiting, I felt horrible. The next day I thought I was gonna die. It was terrible. And for like uh, I don't know, almost a year after that, I couldn't even smell a coke because it ruins Coca-Cola immediately. But I started going out a little bit. Um, I had always liked electronic music. Uh that was uh just even even from like before electronic music was like when it was just getting this You were drawn to it. Yeah, uh just that techno pop, your old pop, real McCoy, halfway, you know. And so one day, uh some friends and I we went to this club. Uh I'd never been to a club. I never I'd rarely gone out because I was always I have a game tomorrow. You were a good kid. Yeah. D discipline. I discipline. Yeah, yeah. Uh with my temper tendrums and my like I was very volatile because of everything. So um I wouldn't necessarily say I was a good kid. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 37:45

Uh but I mean there's a reason for your lash outs too, looking back on uh with hindsight, but I I see what you're saying. It wasn't like everything was easy peasy all the time.

SPEAKER_00 37:55

Yeah, yeah. And and I always try to be careful, like it's that sometimes it's not like I'm trying to blame my mom for everything or blame other people. Like I I have to take responsibility for for for the things I do. Um and even if at the time I was too young to be able to do that, like I now I am old enough to do it and recognize like, oh, that was the wrong way to deal with with that.

SPEAKER_02 38:18

And that's responsible. I mean, honestly, I think that you you've done a great job in recovery, but I think that it's part of that is acknowledging that you're you are part of the story and and not to only play victim because that's a good way to run into a pitfall. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went to this club. There was this like really fancy, like there's it, you know, uh at this was time when you remember the The Matrix. Oh yeah. You know that that scene with like the trend leather trench coats and the glasses and the dyed hair, or like blade and close moves. Um and all these people, like these guys, they look like models. The wit the girls, they look like supermodels. It was it was just everything, everybody was dressed so cool, and everybody was just really cool. And I just started I drank a couple beers, and uh all these like there was these guys, they were like super nice. They're like, Hey, you what are you drinking? I don't know, I don't even know what I'm drinking. Like, oh try this, and and then the girls, they too were like coming up to me and they were like, Come on, let's dance. And I was never really popular. I was just so this is a new feeling. So now I'm a little a little tipsy, probably drunk, right in the lightweight. And then like all these people are talking to me and they're like treating me like they're friends, which is something I'd never really had. At one point, I got up on a table and took my shirt off, and just like you're getting up there. We're we're doing it. That was important because that feeling in that moment, I was in a place where I was wanted. So the next day we went to this to the to the rave, and one of the guys uh he goes, he's like, So I know you don't you've never really drank or anything, but somebody just gave me an ecstasy pill. Um, you want half of it? And I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know what it was. Yeah, uh, I had no idea what it was. Um, but in my bright mind, I'm like, well, if if you don't want it, I'll have it all. I don't know, yeah. And he was like, well, no, no, start with half, take it easy. Okay. So I took the half. And uh like an hour goes by and nothing's happening. And the my the the guy, he's like, how are you feeling? And I'm like, I'm not feeling anything, I don't know. Am I supposed to feel? He's like, just give it a little bit. And now it's getting a little later, I was tired. Uh, because two nights out in a row. I'd never that's a lot. Um, and I'm thinking I'm gonna leave. And I walk by this light, the those acid, you know, the acid worlds. I walk by that and I catches like I catch a glimpse of something in the corner of my eye, and oh, I think something's happening here.

SPEAKER_02 41:03

Yeah, here it goes.

SPEAKER_00 41:04

And then I start feeling this tingling sensation, and like now I'm starting to feel like really happy, like really, really happy. And I go find some other uh good people that I was with. I'm like, is this what it's supposed to do? Like, I don't know, like touch my arm, like this is great. Um and so that was like what I now know was like my first high. Yeah, so you would unleash the beast as a thing that I from then on, from that moment on, I was chasing for years. It was the happiest I had ever felt. Uh it was the greatest I had ever felt. It was like there was love in the world, there was everybody loved me, I loved everybody, there was no pain, nothing that had happened in my life before mattered because this was amazing. You were in this moment. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:01

The Fit for Radio podcast is brought to you by the Stafford Hills Club. And if you've never come here and taken one of their classes, you really should do so. Their instructors are really good. I took the Pilates Reformer class here, and she made me feel like I could be comfortable in the room. Let's get it right, though. I've got a lot to learn when it comes to Pilates, but that's how you do it. You just got to show up and give it your best, right here at Stafford Hills. They make you feel comfortable, and it's a family environment, not just being able to bring your family here, but also the people together feel like a family. Check out everything to offer at staffordhills.com. Tell them Drew sent you for half off your initiation.

SPEAKER_00 42:45

Chasing that first high became my my theme for the next decade-ish. Um and at first, you know, it was I was able to control it. Um, you know, once every couple months. I wasn't going out very often. Then one of one of the things that also kind of compounded on the stuff that had happened before in school with the bullying and all that. I always thought that when I got to university, people were older and it would be different. Yeah. University is a little bit different in in Costa Rica. Not some people do have the opportunity to go right from high school into university. I'd say there's a very good, not majority, maybe even 50-50, uh of adult learners. So people, people that had to work for a while to get the money or whatever. Several years, help the family, uh, and then come back in their 30s. Okay. Um or even 40s, right? So some of my classes um I had in the morning, and those were people that were about my age. But afternoon and evening classes, there was people that were like twice my age. And uh that that that That part is important because I never really felt like I fit anywhere. And every time I thought that I was going to fit somewhere, it turned out I didn't fit there. I didn't fit in my family. Going back to like, I know these things are wrong, but my mom is saying they're right. So there is that. In high in high school or school, high school, middle school, um, not very popular. You know, I had some friends and all that, but um still also kind of didn't fit there. Yeah. Now in university, I don't I I don't really fit there either. So now it's like, where do I fit? While at the same time, now at 1920, I'm finding where I fit, or I at least I think I fit. Um and that's the dangerous part of like drugs and alcohol is you know, on Friday night, everybody's your friend. Yeah. As soon as the money runs out, as soon as the drugs run out, yeah, anymore. So now you have to like keep doing it. So at first I was um kept it somewhat under control. Um and then uh then one day uh someone introduced me to co to cocaine. And I'll never forget the guy. He he what he told me, he said, I'm gonna give you some of this. But I want you to be careful. This is this is white death. This will come up from behind, it will hug you from behind and start squeezing, and you won't know it, but it'll squeeze slowly until it kills you. And I'm like, what's wrong with you? What what are you on? Just give it to me. Yeah. Enough warnings. And that was definitely uh, I was always because of my personality, the type of person I am, the how I am. Uh uppers are definitely my my thing. Um so that probably saves me from doing other drugs. I don't know that that's a good thing. Yeah, it's one thing about addicts I find is like the ones that did the type of drugs I did will look down on the other drugs. On the other drugs, at least I wasn't in math.

SPEAKER_01 46:05

And like you can point real quick. At least I wasn't doing it. Yes, exactly. Those guys are like, yeah, you did coke. Yeah, a lot of finger pointing.

SPEAKER_00 46:16

Yeah. Um, so Coke. That was the one. That was the so I I even to this day, I and I like and I do a lot of work around this and I talk to my sponsor, but like I obviously now I know it's bad and I don't do it anymore. Um, but they're like in the back of my head every once in a while, I was like, man, if I could find a way to be able to control it. Like for for me for ecstasy for sure. Um, but the coke was the one that just completely destroyed me. So again, same thing started off the little bit. One gram would last me even a couple weeks. Uh, but that one within very short amount of times, a few months, now a gram was a night. And then a and then it was two grams a night. And now it was two or three times a week. And yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:09

And a lot of people don't know this, um, especially if they've never done this drug, is that it has a very short life, you know. So you do the drug and a half hour later you need more of it, and then a half hour later you need more of it, and then a half hour later you've solved the world hunger and and five other things on a porch somewhere.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

Going to the gym every day. We're gonna start going to the gym every day at five a and then we're gonna eat healthy.

SPEAKER_02 47:33

Yeah, the lot of plans there, but it it is a drug that's it's scary in the fact like somebody could take an ecstasy pill and it would ride them all the way through the night and then be like, oh, what happened? Whereas in people who do cocaine, they're going back to the ATM. They're looking for more, more, more, more.

SPEAKER_00 47:49

Yep. Yep. Um and for me, it was always this perfect never too drunk in my mind. Never too drunk, never too high. So like there was the the the the trinity for me was a beer, a cigarette, and and coke. So just switch them out and then throw a couple tequila shots between beers just to keep you warmed up.

SPEAKER_02 48:13

Um, so that this goes on for a while. At what point does it reach uh like a fever point that it's getting out of control?

SPEAKER_00 48:20

Well, um, I think very quickly. Um so this would have been maybe 19, 20 years old, and right around then in the party life, that's when I met, who would then be later become my son's mom. Um I think yeah, I and I I definitely can't blame her. She wasn't holding a gun to my head to to do this stuff, but um enabling each other, probably I probably would have ended up in the same place anyway, but um she was the one she was the she was actually the one that like really brought Coke into into my life, right? Like she was the one that was it was like every day.

SPEAKER_02 48:57

That was her thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:59

Um and for me, um, unfortunately, uh the my my codependence and my fear of abandonment um and feeling that I wasn't good enough, uh was lucky enough to have a girlfriend. Um so all she had to do was, oh, if we don't go out tonight, we're breaking up. And so like, oh we gotta go out. Yeah, okay, we're fine. Yeah. Uh because there were times in the beginning where I was like, we can't keep doing this. You know, there's still this, like, it's you knew it was you were doing something that was gonna hurt you. Yeah. And she's like, oh, well, these are all these other guys that will take me out and do it and buy me, and they're like, all right, well, we don't want that. That's a toxic scenario. Oh, yeah. Um, but you know, and in every codependent relationship, you it's it's you need both parts, right? You need the person kind of manipulating, but you also need the person that's like in the the willing, the willing soldier, right? Yeah. Um and so uh with her, it was it was like never ended. Um I worked from 3 to 11. I got back to her place around 11:15. We were at the bar, 11:30, party until 5, 6 in the morning when the bar closed. And we on the way out, we'd buy like 20, 30 beer cans of beer to keep partying at her house. It was just and then at some point when I could, it's like, oh, it's one o'clock, I should probably take a shower and get ready to go to work, and then do it again the next day. Yeah. But a lot of times eventually it got to the point where I was just like, I I don't know how I kept jobs.

SPEAKER_02 50:40

Yeah, because you're just running it on empty.

SPEAKER_00 50:43

And constantly going uh weekends were Thursday through Tuesday. Uh zero paychecks as soon as they hit, it was gone. Um and then uh when we found out she was pregnant, um, there's this half-assed attempt to to stop. And I and I told her like we we had a terrible, it was a super toxic relationship. It was bad. We were really bad for each other. I didn't know how to be in a relationship, I just didn't want to be abandoned. You know, she had her issues.

SPEAKER_02 51:17

Um uh and the drugs are kind of the connection that's holding you two together.

SPEAKER_00 51:22

Yep, yep. And so uh I did tell her like we're gonna end up killing each other. We need to like we need to stop, especially now that we have kids and have it, we're gonna have a kid. And she was like, I'm young. I wanna get as soon as he's six months, I'm gonna I'm gonna stop breastfeeding and I'm gonna keep partying. And so that from that moment on, it was like, all right, well, you're the mom, I'm the dad, but you and I we're not together. Things for me are just getting worse and worse and worse. Um I can keep keep jobs. I'm really good at getting jobs at this point. Um and call centers are were a big thing, uh, or still are, I guess, in in Costa Rica. And because I can speak both languages pretty pretty well.

SPEAKER_02 52:04

You're you have a value there.

SPEAKER_00 52:06

It was it was relatively easy to like, oh yeah, you know, but I would barely make it to training, you know, and then get that first paycheck, go on a vendor, and then like, yeah, we can't have you anymore. Um so now I guess 2022, 23 when my son was born. Now I know my life is bad. Like I'm not doing the right thing. I know it's not, I know it's wrong, and I try to stop for the first time. Like, actually stop. Like I like I have a kid now. Yeah, we need to stop. And I can't. Uh oh. And that was the like I had said, oh yeah, I can stop whenever I want. And maybe I'd go, I the problem was I never wanted to. And maybe I'd go one or two days because I ran out of money, so I just I had no choice. Yeah. Um but the first time I tried to stop and couldn't, that was like the confirming, I guess, what I already knew deep down, but like to actually be confronted with that, like, oh now it's a problem. This is a problem. Um and I really can't stop. So my visitation was basically I had uh Tuesday at first I had Tuesdays and Thursdays from three to five. Um so I made sure that I was good then. Uh then we went to Friday through Sunday. Um so I didn't do anything Friday to Sunday, but on the way, as soon as I dropped them off Sunday night, it was like boom, full gas, making up for those three, four days, whatever of not doing anything. And there were times where I just like I would just be into my apartment when I still had one and just like I don't I can't, I don't want to do this. I this is horrible. My I'm a failure, my life is is a failure. Um I don't deserve to be alive. I just just I I definitely am better off being dead. Um and I would I would basically I at this point I wasn't even going out anymore. It was just in my apartment um begging, praying that robbers would break into my apartment and just shoot me. So you are at this point, you're you're not wanting to live. No, no, no. And you know, there's there's that was the first time that I can that I actually recognized that I didn't want that that I just wanted to be dead. But again, later on in recovery, I realized there were actually this from a very young age. I've always thought I was better off. I I had always thought that I was better off dead. Um I did try to commit suicide a few times um in the next few years. What kind of things were you trying? Um, well, so I did try to cut myself once. Um It's gotta be tough. But I did it was a like a very poor attempt at it. That's barely more than a scratch, right? So that wasn't your method. One time I tried to wrap a belt around my neck. Um I just couldn't put enough, like basically I was doing no footing, but I could just couldn't put enough force on it. Um and then you know, I'd walk around, you know, have brew, I would bruise and people were like, what happened? Uh I tried walking in front of buses a couple times. And uh and part of it was that uh once things got really bad as if they weren't already bad. Um while I was doing drugs that n during the night, I was like, I can't do this anymore. I never want to do this anymore. I'd wake up the next day, eight, nine, and ten in the morning. I'm never doing drugs anymore. I can't. I don't want to. Twelve o'clock. Yeah, I I don't want to do drugs. I don't fading away. Two o'clock. Well, uh maybe tomorrow. Three o'clock. You know what? I haven't heard from my dealer in a while. I should let me check on him. I'm gonna check on him, see how he's doing. Um, I didn't have a phone or anything because obviously I'd been pawned a long time ago. And I'd walk to the pay station around uh with the payphone because we had payphones. Yeah, this is how long ago this was uh payphones. I very vividly remember w being on autopilot. My mind was saying, don't go to this payphone. I don't want to go to this payphone. My legs, they just kept walking. I did not want to, but I made I would every single time I was like, all right, so now that I was at the payphone, please don't answer, please don't answer, please don't answer. So I call, no answer. I start walking away. Well, maybe I didn't let it ring enough time.

SPEAKER_02 57:15

You can't get out of your own way. Maybe, maybe he was in the shower. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing how the mind works, though. You know, it's like the subconscious of you who really wants out is there, but it's like this is a it's a bowl that's standing on top of you, and you just you can't get it off of you.

SPEAKER_00 57:34

No, and it was and it wasn't fun. It wasn't the fun is long gone. Yeah, no, no, and certainly not anything near that first time where like it's great. Um now I'm at the point where I'm actually having psychotic episodes, like psychotic symptoms. Like, well, give me an example. So I thought there were cameras in in my apartment and microphones. Oh and I would hear things and I would see things. Um so now I'm all like cracked out in my apartment, shaking, and I I would uh the apartment came with like these paintings and things on the wall. Um I thought there were cameras, you know, those like how they put those hidden cameras in the camera. Yeah, like a spy. I thought there were cameras in in the frames, so I would take them down, but then the nail was there. And then maybe it was on the nail. So I took the nail up, but now there's a hole. So now I'm thinking there's a camera in there. So now I'm like standing there with my thumb on the on the on the hole, but then there's another one over there. And you're just driving yourself nuts. It was absolutely crazy, and then I was hearing things, and I would I would hear things like radio chatter. Um I would be like, he's in the living room, he's in the So you think there's a real spy going on? I think and then in my brilliant mind, well, here I think uh a lot of us addicts go through this. Well, I don't have money to support my habit, but maybe I can find a way to support this habit. And uh maybe maybe I can try to sell. And I'm doing the math. I can I can ask for this amount up front, then I can divide it up and then sell it for this amount, but then I can use this amount for myself. And I tried that twice. Once uh I had it that night where I started dividing it, and then I just started going through it, where now I was taking away from the the ones I was gonna sell. Oh, yeah. Or upping the price in my like doing the math in my head.

SPEAKER_02 59:42

Yeah, it's a little more expensive than I get a little bit more.

SPEAKER_00 59:45

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Uh and then I ended up using it all. Yep. The second time I tried, uh, again, with this part of what my psychotic symptoms were, was I thought the DEA was on to me. Because of course they were. We don't have the DEA, but I thought they were on to me. So now I'm all cracked down on like I don't know, it was at like seven or eight, nine grams that I had in me, and I had like 15 grams on the table on the there. And I'm like, they're coming. No, flush it down the toilet.

unknown 1:00:21

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:22

So now a bunch of money. You yeah, you're in debt. A lot of money. Uh, and so I got some people looking for me. Um, I ended up figuring out a way to like get them paid off. Uh never, never succeeded at selling anything, um, because I just would use it. Or um that was like because of these psychotic symptoms and hearing things. I like I swore every every little noise, if there was a crack in the in the Costa Rica, we have uh these uh those tin tin roofs, and when the sun comes out, they expand and they make us they can make a sound.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:04

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:05

And so I thought they were on the roof about to rope down. I thought I would watch TV and the they had subtitles in Spanish, and the subtitles were not the words that the the the the movie was saying, they were they were messages. Oh uh even when do you do you know the uh what's this the a beautiful mind? Yeah, where like in his You can see all the Yeah, and he starts seeing patterns and things and that's what I was doing.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:41

Like you said with the guy earlier about how the cocaine would sneak up and slowly start to squeeze you. Now it's suffocating. Oh yeah. You're listening to the Fit for Radio Podcast, and of course, brought to you in part by Motorsport Hillsboro because spring is here and the deals are on at Motorsport Hillsboro. Save up to 60% off on gas-gas e-bikes because of course gas prices are going up, but the prices are going down at Motorsport Hillsboro. And if you're into good deals, how about$8,000 off MSRP on a Kawasaki Ridge side by side? It's all there right now. Go check them out today. There's a reason people come from far and wide to Motorsport Hillsboro to make their purchase for their off-road adventures come this summer. And of course, since the spring is here, the sky is blue, let's get it. Motorsport Hillsborough, it's your spot. Stave rad, save gas. So through all these kind of moments of, you know, these manic episodes that are happening and hearing voices and seeing the beautiful mind thing going on, um, it's all kind of like leading to just a real dark spot here at the end of this era of your life. How do you end up in the situation that changes your life?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:00

So um I was man I managed to, I was still able to keep jobs, um, some somewhat, uh, find jobs at least. Uh, but it did get to a point when I was about maybe 28-ish, where I could no longer um uh find a job. Uh I ended up losing the last apartment. Well, I had lost the the last apartment I was in. Um then I went to couch surfing. Um but then I had run out of that as well.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:31

That only goes so far.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:33

And then it'd been maybe about a year. Uh uh yeah, about let's call it about a year where I hadn't seen my son. This way I dropped him off one day and then I just like disappeared. Like I was not there for about a year. Um and now I'm on the street. Now it now I'm living on the street in Costa Rica. That's gotta be tough. And it was interestingly, there there are a few things I miss about about about living on the street.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:04

Yeah?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:05

Yeah. Um going back to the loyalty and the family thing, never be never really fitting in anywhere. There is a code that you live by when you're when you're on the street, and there's a way that things get handled that obviously is not the way things should be handled, but it has rules. There's rules. And um sometimes uh I wish we could solve issues the same way we did on the street. You know, like I don't know. It's so like the the first night I was when I was like officially homeless, like uh I didn't have anywhere to go, no friends to call, nowhere, nothing. Uh this guy comes up to me and so tried to sell me some stickers. That's what people do, it's like lollipopter stickers and things like that. And I'm like, dude, I'm I don't know, you got some more stickers that I could sell? He's like, you on the street? And I'm like, yeah. They're like, oh, dude, no way, come, come. Are you hungry? Like, yeah, I actually can't, yeah. I kind of just like, oh, come here, I'm gonna show you. Um so there's a sense of family within that. Yeah. Uh this guy was like amazing. We we we became really good friends. Um we looked out for each other, and he was the one that showed me showed me the ropes. And so this guy, Chino, he is his nickname, he like takes me to the garbage can right behind Tapo Bell. He's like, if you if you're here at about 9 30, it's when they're about to close something. They dump the food. So you have to if you're here early enough, you know, it's it's still okay. Um and he showed me like the different different tricks and and things like that. Uh I'm a bad street person, I guess. I need I need to take a shower. I need to brush my teeth.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:00

Because seeing you here now all cleaned up, you I mean you've got a nice outfit on, you look like you could be working at the bank, the envisioning you on the street. It was very different.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:11

Is it a tough place? Yeah, it was very different. All I had was a pair of jeans, a shirt, and a door and explorer backpack that I that I stole. Uh and the thing I would steal, like my my friend, he would go in and steal, like it's almost like moonshine. It's this disgusting like a cheap alcohol.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:30

Yeah, but just like it's it's what the the the true alcoholics borderline make you blind, but it'll do the trip.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:39

Yeah, yeah. Um you know, we'd go into the supermarkets and he would steal some of those. I would steal toothbrushes and deodorants. Um and at this point, I'm like, there's no way out. There just isn't a way out. I would see I would see the some use newspaper to keep warm, and I would look at the sports section, and I'd see some of the guys that I used to I grew up playing with going to the World Cup.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:07

And that's hurting you even more at this point.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:10

Yeah, I was there, or maybe I could have been there. Um I didn't know what to do. I was basically there for me, it became a matter of there are worse things than being dead, and it's being alive the way I'm living right now. I wasn't living. I wasn't I wasn't alive. I was I was dead. You were breathing, but you were dead. Basically just going through the motions, waiting to die. And um I guess I'd maybe tried like three, four times before. But there was one one day where I was like, you know, this is it. I'm done. I can't I can't do this anymore. And so uh I that morning, uh this would have been September 27th, 2012, um from like early morning, five in the morning, I was out asking for money. Just everybody asking, making sure I got that rush hour, asking all day, money, money, money. And I actually got quite a bit of money. Um, almost like what what is now about a hundred dollars. Um and in order to have as much money as possible to buy drugs, um, I walked like five miles to like the place where I knew I could get the most because it wasn't going through anybody. It was right to the source, and I went. Um and I bought uh like 20 because I was a frequent flyer and I knew the people and they were like, I bought 20 grams, but they were like Yeah, you get the Costco deal. But yeah, it doesn't, you know. Little extra. Um and I had money left over to go and buy um a 30 pack of beer. Um I went to a used clothes store and stole a pair of jeans, and I went to another one and I stole a pair of a polo shirt because that night was gonna be my last night. And when they found me, I didn't want to be in the rags that I was in. And I had a little bit of money left over to check myself into one of these like bad hotels, like this CD. It's just super CD. Um and so I was gonna be able to like take a shower, put clean clothes on, and then that was gonna be it. I was just gonna go until my heart stopped. Um, and I'll never forget that when I was checking in, the the woman there, she's I don't know what kind of face I walked in with or like what she felt or the what kind of uh energy I was giving off. But she stopped and she looks like, are you okay?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:53

I'm like, Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:54

What do you care? Just give me the key. Yeah, no, no, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Wow. Um, so I checked myself in, go to the room, um, and I start going. I'm just like just going non-stop. Uh to the point where now I'm trying to do lines and it's not even going through. It's just like clogged up. Yeah. Uh, and just drinking the beers, just pounding beers. You're going for it. Uh and every every every I don't know how every how often, but every certain amount of time, this woman should come and knock on the door, like, hey, are you okay? Yeah, I am. Why are you at my room?

SPEAKER_05 1:10:36

Go away.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:38

Um, the last thing I remember was that I um I was running out of beer and I was trying to figure out how to go get beer, but at the same time, I'm like, because of this, like whenever I did cocaine, I was hearing things and seeing things, so I didn't know how I was gonna make it to some supermarket to steel beer. Yeah. Uh, because I didn't have any more money. Yeah, you bought all the cocaine. Um that was the last thing I remember. The the net the next thing that I remember was so the plan was that day, that was gonna be it. That night, I was that was gonna be it. If for some miracle I was still alive the next day, I was gonna do something about it. But it was really easy to make that deal with myself because I was not like there won't be a n it's not gonna be necessary to figure out what to do because I'm not gonna be here.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:32

It's over.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:34

So the next thing I remember is I had the paramedics around me. And that lady lady. And as soon as they saw me, they they saw me open my eyes, and they're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, he's alive. And I opened my eyes, and it takes me a moment to figure out like what you know what's going on. And the first thing I did was try to punch the guy, like, why did you bring me back? Then I started crying. I just broke down, like, why did you bring me back? You were supposed to let me go. This wasn't this is not what was supposed to happen. I don't have anything, I don't have anybody. And that guy, oh he he hugged me. The and that was the first time I had been hugged in I don't know how long. And this paramedic, he says, It's going to be okay. And I'm like, and I didn't even have energy to to argue with him because in but in my head I'm like, no, you don't know, like it's not gonna be okay. There's nothing is okay. That's why I was supposed to be dead, I wasn't supposed to be alive. And he just like held me um and told me it told me it was gonna be fine, it was gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:50

And then uh the lady she bought me some food and then also kicked me out.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:58

But yeah, like you gotta go, but and then that day I was like, well now what what do I do? You know, what do I uh You can't do that again? Uh I'm so I'm my life is so bad, my life is so terrible. I'm so I'm such a screw up that I can't even do this right. Um so now what do I do? Yeah. And so I I uh it took me a little bit to kind of figure out what what I what to do. Um at this point I was so beat up, I didn't have energy to even go ask for money, I didn't have energy to go find food. I was just maybe I'll just starve, you know, whatever. Um and then I remembered one I was at that waiting room in the emergency department uh on October 3rd, and uh that night I was I'd finally gotten a little bit of sleep and I was kind of woken up by the sound of women crying, but I didn't open my eyes, I was um they were just kind of sitting near me. Um the crying kept getting worse, and in my mind, selfishly, I'm gonna open my eyes and yell at them, like can't they see I'm sleeping? Like go cry somewhere else. I'm the emergency department waiting, right? But I'm thinking it's the place for me to sleep. And uh right when I was gonna like say something to them, the doctor comes out to talk to them, to tell them so it was the wife and sister of a guy whose birthday it was, and part of a gang and a rival gang came and shot up the birthday, and this guy wasn't gonna make it. The doctor was telling them that you know they did everything they could and that they they couldn't, that he wasn't gonna make it. And that was when I opened my eyes, and there was something about seeing them, they were covered in blood, uh, crying, just for whatever reason, that image was my moment of I don't know, enlightenment. It was the moment um that lit the fire where I had been thinking about what I was gonna do, how how I was gonna change my life. I uh I was gonna try to figure out how to keep up with my end of the deal that I made with myself.

SPEAKER_05 1:15:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:27

And in that moment, I remembered there is this rehab place uh outside of just outside of San Jose. And when the thought came to my mind, that's where I'm gonna go, it was like the room got brighter. You know, like it those dimmers, like someone turned it all the way up to a thousand, and this weight that I didn't I had gotten so used to carrying all of a sudden got lifted. Like I I was light, like I could I could breathe. Um, like there wasn't something just sitting on my chest. Yeah. Um and I'd like to think that it was that was the moment that I got rid of that hug from White Death that was just squeezing and squeezing. And I was like, tomorrow morning, this would it was just after midnight. I'm like, as soon as it's light, I'm walking over there. And so I went over to this place, banged on the gates, like, please let me in. And uh they they they they let me in, and they were like, you know, you we'll let you stay here. You you you do what you say, what we tell you to do, you get a bed, you get three meals, and um but you have to do everything we say. And that was how I started my uh my journey in in in recovery.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:46

And and so when you go there, do you stay? Do you make it through? What happens? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:51

So I I I ended up being there for six months, part of the program for six months, three months inpatient. Um, and of course, after a few days, now I'm feeling better. Um thinking I got this. I yeah, maybe maybe I can go back out. So now my my mind is saying, you know, stay here for a couple weeks, eat, recover, and then get back out there. Um but the reality was that uh I was seeing some of the other people that were there and what kind of shape they were too they were into. Um and uh at the end of the block, there was this house or apartment that had parties every night. Oh no. And every night they started out great, music, people laughing, they were having fun. And every night it ended with women yelling, throwing glasses, like the guy yelling, the you would hear stuff breaking, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:51

Very negative in the end.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:52

And it was like, it was I think that that was so important for me because it was like one of one of the things they say is play the video, play the movie all the way to the end, because my mind will play the movie right up into the good part. Here, this is great, we're gonna be excitement, we're gonna go out, and we're gonna do this and uh and then stop and forget about what happens afterwards. And so that was a very vivid reminder of like what it what was waiting for me out there if I run back out there. Um in the meantime, the only while I was impatient, the only way to go out, go go do anything was if someone came and took you to a meeting. Um, and they say do 90 and 90, 90 meetings, 90 days. I did like 120 because like whenever somebody came, I'm coming, I'll go.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:38

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:39

I'll get out of here.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:40

Yeah. The Fit for Radio podcast is brought to you by the Stafford Hills Club. And if you've never come here and taken one of their classes, you really should do so. Their instructors are really good. I took the Pilates Reformer class here, and she made me feel like I could be comfortable in the room. Let's get it right, though. I've got a lot to learn when it comes to Pilates, but that's how you do it. You just got to show up and give it your best, right here at Stafford Hills. They make you feel comfortable, and it's a family environment, not just being able to bring your family here, but also the people together feel like a family. Check out everything to offer at Staffordhills.com. Tell them Drew sent you for half off your initiation. So you're still in Costa Rica at this point. You're you've completed the inpatient, you've gotten through the outpatient stuff, and you're starting to feel that athlete again. And you're kind of scratching that itch a little bit of what it is you want to do.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:39

Yep. Yep. So at this point, I'm still trying to figure things out. The the first thing is work because I gotta pay for my son. I I gotta be responsible for my son. I gotta make up for that time that I wasn't there. Um, so that's the number one goal. When I was coming, I I started working while I was still a part of the the the rehab program. Um but when it was coming time close to to graduating, to leaving, yeah, um, that was probably one of the scariest times in my life because it's one thing when you know, at first I was under direct supervision, then there was still some supervision, but still like not as much, but like there was somebody there.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:18

Uh I didn't know what I was gonna do when once I was on my own, like nobody watching. What was I gonna be able to keep keep this going? Would you slip? But one of the things that I that has been constant, and now even with cycling that I get to go to other are different countries, I always go to a meeting. Whether it's I if I go to another state, I find a meeting. If I go to another country, I find a meeting. And it's very interesting that uh no matter where I go, there are general rules that that are seem to be the same no matter what. And one of them is when somebody's talking about relapse, you know, I I got comfortable, I had a good job, had a good wife, I had a family, I kind of stopped talking to my sponsor, uh, I stopped going to meetings, I stopped doing the steps, uh, and then I relapsed. That's how you slip. While I was in treatment, my dumbass was I got nothing, right? I got some donated clothes on, and I go into this AA meeting, and this girl walks in. And that entire meeting, I'm only paying attention to this girl. Like, who is she? Who is it? And uh this I called it the druggie buggy. There's this little van that brought us from rehab to meetings. We got back into the druggy buggy. I was like, guys, that girl's gonna be my girlfriend.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:40

Just wait.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:40

I'm like, shut up, you idiot. Yeah. But she we we we ended up dating. We nice. She was in coast, she was in Costa Rica, she's from Portland. Um, and she was in Costa Rica also for recovery, and so that's how we met. And uh she it wasn't, I mean, neither of us knew how to have a be in a relationship. I mean I'm still in rehab, right? Yeah. So um she wanted to come back to the States, to Portland. She had a two-year-old son at the time, and she wanted a little bit more support with with her kid. And I'm like, in hindsight, I think she was maybe trying to break up with me without breaking up. So she's like, I'm going back home.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:22

You're like, I'm coming with you. I'll go with you.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:26

So that's how I ended up in Portland.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:28

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:30

Uh how long does this relationship last? Not at all. Not not very long. Basically, nothing. I think we were together for about a month once we moved here.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:39

See, and I think you might be better off in that scenario. I mean, anytime you meet someone fresh off the druggie buggy.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:44

Yeah. I mean, I was in rehab. Like neither of us had you weren't in a position for that.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:50

Beautiful place you've you decided on.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:52

Yeah, I'd never been here, but but for I think it it was ended up being like what I needed in the in that moment, which is a place where I didn't know anybody. I'd never been here. It took away the the because in Costa Rica, I can find you know, I can find whatever I want anywhere I go. Right now. Like, yeah. Um, so here you gotta meet a whole new network. I don't know anybody, uh which is good. I didn't realize Portland had such a big drinking culture and like the 3,000 beers on tap.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:22

Oh, I know. You went to the center of the universe for that.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:26

But um anyway, so that's how I ended up here uh and started working as an interpreter. And for the first couple years, it was work, work, work. Again, going back to like I gotta re-establish the the relationship with my son. I gotta make sure I'm paying for the things for him, um, and and be a present father. Be the father that I didn't have and not be the father I did have. Yes, change the culture, yeah. Um but after a couple years, um I felt like I needed some a little bit more balance in my life because it was just work, work, work. Um, and I honestly I didn't know how to make friends, like how do normal people make friends? Because if all I knew was you go to the bar and everybody's your friend, like how other how else do you meet people? Where's the healthy way to do it? Like, do you go to the park and be like, hey, well, that's crazy weather. Good way to get tased. Yeah. So uh, but ESPN had the Kona. And I remember as a kid, I was like, one day I'm gonna I'm gonna win that. And that kind of I remembered that. I was like, oh, you know, I always wanted to do a triathlon, maybe I'll do a triathlon. So I think it was 2014-ish. Uh I I came to the States in 2013, um, just under a year of recovery. They say in your first year of recovery, don't get into relationships, don't make big changes, don't make big moves.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:00

I got a girlfriend, changed jobs, moved to another country. It's like it all.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:08

I did everything I wasn't supposed to. It ended up working out, but it definitely wasn't. I was lucky. It's not not what you want to be doing. So I found out about the Blue Lake triathlon. Okay. Um, like a week before. I figured out where to rent a wetsuit. I figured out where to rent a bike. They're like, you can't race the bike. I'm like, okay, I won't.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:28

And did it anyway.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:30

And uh I showed up and it was like the amateur one, some sprint or whatever. I got into the lake, and it was cold. There was some slimy stuff that touched my foot, and it was scary with all these people splashing around. And like I I made it out of the water last, then got on the bike, then did the run. And then I was just kind of hanging out, figuring out whether or not I could go talk to people, see if I could join a team or something. But I was kind of shy because again, I don't know how to approach people without alcohol or drugs. Um, and while I'm mustering up the courage to go talk to to some people that were hanging out at tent, I hear my name. And I'm like, oh, what's going on? You know, and they're like, What's your name? And I said, Felipe. He was like, Oh, here. And he gave me a little trophy. And uh, I guess I won the the the the amateur one. Oh, wow, nice. And then uh I was like, oh, maybe maybe this is the thing, but that water not your thing. So I kind of put it aside. Then a couple months later I found out about the black diamond triathlon in Inumkla. And this time I was a little bit more well prepared for the swim. But same thing I found out like a week before, so I rented a wetsu, and then there's no really no not much training. Um when the race started, I just stood there and let everybody swim ahead. Like because it was just too scary to swim around. All the chopping of the water. And so I just let everybody go. Uh and then when I fit there was enough distance, then I started swimming. And I guess I I didn't know about like looking up or anything or trying to figure out where I was. So I I ended up swimming into the back of somebody and they kicked my goggles off. And I started I swallowed all the water in the world, and now I'm drowning. Oh no. And the guy on the kayak that was swimming next that was paddling on the paddle board next to me, I could see him bending over and like yelling at me. And I'm over here like dying, drowning. I think this is the like like this is it. And I come up for air one last time, and I'm out there long enough to hear him say, Stand up. And I kind of put my feet down, and the water was like waist high. And I'm like, Well, this is embarrassing. He's like I was exactly at the halfway point. And he goes, Well, what do you want to do? I mean, I can take you back, but then you're out. You can and I was mad at him for not saving me. So I don't want to talk to you. And so I got on my back and just kind of kicked my way back. And when I got back to the transition area, people that were there were saw me started to pack up. And like, no, don't give up. You can do it. I'm like, no, no, no. Like, you don't know. You don't understand. Like, I almost had almost died. It was a near-death experience, and I almost drowned. And like I got all this water and the slimy thing on my foot.

SPEAKER_03 1:28:31

Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:32

That's the slimy thing. That was the thing. No, come on. You'll feel better if you just do it. Okay, fine, whatever. So I get on the bike. And I do remember I was I like I was going as hard as I could. I was just going. I don't know how fast I was going. But you were all in. I didn't have like a bike computer or anything. I I was just going. It was it was this feeling of being free again. Just it was just me and the wind. I don't remember passing people. I don't remember like I just remember I was happy. Got back to the transition area, started running, and I was like, man, I'm really far behind. There's like nobody running out here. And so I got back, I'm eating a burrito, and then again I hear my name called. And like I I ended up winning that one. Jeez, but the bike time. And again, it's the amateur like.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:32

Yeah, but still to almost quit and packing up and then come back and win.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:37

Yeah. And then I looked at the bike time, and my bike time was um was one of the fastest bike times of the whole race. Including the pros. Yeah. And so I was like, well, maybe if I can figure out the swim, I can do this. So I got in touch with the Tri-Team PDX people and finally mustered up the courage and got in with them. And they had swimming in in December. And I'm like, why? That's brutal. Why are we doing that? They're like, oh, don't worry about it. It's the um Portland State uh gym. That's the the pool is heated. It's it's great. You love it. Like, okay, if you say so. And this was the winter that there was like a record low temperatures, and the the Portland froze for like three days or like a week or something. And I remember I I went there, got in, basically jumped out. This is too cold, like done. I'm not doing this. Um, but through that same group of people, they had uh like strength training and indoor cycling uh with a guy named Sean Busted. Okay, and he was super cool. Um, and I was telling him about you know, I kind of wanted to get into this, but I don't know about the swim. And this would have been like January-ish now, and he said 2015, and he said, Well, why don't you just bike? I'm like, Oh, what do you mean? Yeah, there's races, and like he kind of explained the categories and this and that. And he said, There's a race, it's called cherry pie, it's in March. I'll help you get ready for it. Um, I'm like, Oh, okay, let's do it. So he helped me prepare for for cherry pie. Um cat five. Uh such a it was a super amateur race. Like there was one guy off the front who we thought we were chasing, but apparently he missed his start, so he was trying to catch his other one, but we thought we were racing him. Um when we got to the finish, I didn't know where the finish line was. These two kids, 12 and 13-ish year olds, uh maybe 14, 15, uh they're kids, 13, 14.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:49

Um, apparently the finish line had had been moved a little bit further back. Um, so they sprinted to where they thought the finish line was. I didn't know where it was, so you kept I saw them sprinting, so I sprinted, and then I just kept going, and I I only stopped because I I there were some I hit an intersection and I almost ran into the back of some cars, and uh I left. Um and then I guess a couple of days later I received a cherry pie in the mail, and it was because I had won the cherry pie race and I didn't hang out for the podium. Um nothing like making kids cry. Yeah, way to go. There's this picture of at that finish where like the one kid is just like because it realizing he was bringing us to the wrong place because he basically stopped pedaling and I just kept going. He could have won. Yeah, yeah, but he didn't. So that was um at that race, a guy kicked named Chris Ramsey on Athletes Lounge at the time, um, was like, hey, why don't you join our team? And so that's how I uh got into cycling.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:58

Oh, cool. That's impressive uh to go about it in that way and then to to find success that early, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:07

And I actually was able to make it from cat five to a cat one in my first season, which I didn't know was actually really hard to do. But at that point, I was like, well, what what else can I do? So I started doing all the local races, then I started going to Washington and having some success success there. Um and then in 2018, now I've rebuilt the relationship with my son. Uh one of the first things I did the first year I came here was save money because he was at that time maybe six, seven years old. So I would call, but he you know, he he hadn't seen me in a long time. And the first time I saw him was the day before I left to come to the States. Um, so talking on the phone wasn't really his thing. So I saved up money so I could buy him a PlayStation. Um, and then I saved money so I could buy myself one.

SPEAKER_02 1:34:01

Oh, and then you could play with it.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:02

And then we could play online, and that was the PlayStation has been the thing that has allowed us bring you together to strengthen, bring us together and just have the most amazing relationship that we have now.

SPEAKER_02 1:34:15

Um that's a smart move, especially when a kid's that age and they're uh reluctant to reopen the door with you and like where you can kind of start on a like let's be friendly, and then like you can ease yourself back into dad mode.

SPEAKER_00 1:34:28

Yep, yep. So it was an extremely important instrument to in rebuilding that for us. Um and from there, it was like, well, how do I show my son, how do I give him life lessons, even though I'm not next to him every day, right? Um you know, how do I teach him that even if things get hard, you still keep going? And that sometimes it works out, sometimes not. You know, how do I teach him that if all of your dreams are coming true, then you're not dreaming high enough? You know, you're just in that they're dreams because they're dr they're called dreams because they're not supposed to happen, right? Um and if you shoot higher than otherwise would have, you will always end up higher than if you hadn't, right? So um I'm like, well, why don't I go race the Costa Rican National Championship and you know show my son, like, yeah, I lived on the street and now I'm racing this race. So in 2018, I was made plans to go do that. I got myself a coach and the whole the and I was I was getting ready to go do it. And uh about uh three weeks before the race, I went and played soccer and broke my ankle. Oh, again indoor playing indoor. Oh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:53

So that that sets you back.

SPEAKER_00 1:35:54

And so I missed that race in 2018.

SPEAKER_02 1:35:57

So you've broken your ankle now a second time. Now it's been many years since the first time, but actually a third. Oh, it's a third time. So is it the same ankle every time? Yeah. So it's been weakened now. Yep. Um, and so you're you're playing a little soccer, you hurt the ankle, you miss that race. What do you do to get back?

SPEAKER_00 1:36:14

And actually, real quick, the second one was in my first cyclocross race because everybody was like, You gotta do cyclocross, it's so much fun. It it was wet, it was rainy, it was cold, and I broke my ankle. This is stupid. I'm never doing this again. I'm sticking to the road, so that's how I kept going with road. Yeah. Um, so 2018 didn't happen. 2019, we're gonna do it. So the I call my friend down in Costa Rica. I tell him, there's this race, it's on the coast. Bring your family, I'll take my son. Just drive behind the race when I get dropped and I pull out, just pick me up and we'll spend the weekend at the beach. We go to the race, I ended up winning it. And this was definitely not a race I should have won. I was by myself, no teammates, going up against the best teams in the country, some of the best riders in in even in Central America, even arguably some of them in Central and South America.

SPEAKER_02 1:37:11

So you even surprised yourself on this.

SPEAKER_00 1:37:13

Oh, yeah. I was like, absolutely. I remember when they interviewed me right after the race, this guy comes up to me like, oh, you just won the national championship. Like, who are you? I'm like, I'm nobody. I shouldn't have won this. There's there's no reason for me to have won this. I'm old. I was 30. Let's see, what was I 36? I was the oldest elite national champion in Costa Rican history. Wow, congratulations. Uh yeah, there's just um it was a real battle. It was it was it was great because it's exactly it's kind of what I like about cycling is it's um a microcosm of what life is. Like that race had all sorts of uh barriers to get to because there was a bunch of um people I take into the streets over something or other. So it like I almost didn't make it to the race. Um during the race, I got dropped, came back, got dropped again, uh, came back, then you know, just just figuring out how to race and then going for it. So that was a great achievement, uh obviously personally, but my the the biggest thing was my son being able to see that, right? And that's a heck of a lesson for him. That was that was the whole the entire purpose of it. Like it it couldn't have worked out uh any better. Like I thought I was gonna just have a chat with him, like, yeah, you know, you sometimes go for these things that are big and sometimes they don't work out, and you know, it didn't work out for me today, but but I tried, and that's the important thing. Um, but him seeing the win, I guess it helps to motivate him too.

SPEAKER_02 1:38:48

Exactly. So do you think you went a little harder, you pushed a little harder subconsciously because he was there?

SPEAKER_00 1:38:53

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Because the entire time I was like, Well, I mean, I can't ask him not to give up if I'm gonna give up. So, like when I got dropped, it was like, Yeah, you keep going, because that's you gotta show him that you keep going no matter what.

SPEAKER_02 1:39:08

Absolutely, it's a great message for him.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:10

So from that point on, it was like, Well, what else can I do? Where what how else can I what other lessons, how how far can I take this? Um, and I thought as a national champion, uh I'd get a it'd be easier to get a call to the national road team. Um, unfortunately, with my history, and I didn't know it at the time, but uh Costa Rica does have a big doping problem. Um, it's actually just a cancer that's taking over. Yeah. And because of my history, I've been very outspoken against it. And that rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. And so there were politics in it. The politics kept me out of the the road cycling national team. So I'm like, what am I gonna teach my son about this? You know, that what it what they're saying no, how am I gonna make it happen? So in 21, I think it was, uh, I found out that the cyclocross national uh world championship was going to be in in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Okay. And I'm like, wet and cold. But this is what I want to teach my son, right? So I found out about how to get into it, figure it out, cyclocross. Um, and then I nagged the National Federation. I'm like, guys, you you don't even know what cyclocrise cyclocross is. Like, just let me do this. I will figure out how to pay for it. I'm not asking for anything, like just let me do it. And it took like a year, about a year of like nagging and just on it. On it, and finally I called the president of the National Federation on a Saturday morning to his personal phone. He was like, dude, just give me five minutes. Like, this is what I want to do. Please let me do it. I'm not asking you for anything. If you want to help me, great, but I'm not asking you for anything. Yeah. And he was like, you know what? Fine, do it. You you pay for it, you do it. And so I got into cyclocrust. Wow. And so I got to do back then, they still had World Cup races here, so there was three of them. Um, I did uh Waterloo, Iowa, and there was the practice room for Fayetteville, and then I went back for the world championships in in 21. Um that's incredible. And I guess the um because it's a very northern discipline, right? It's a winter, winter, actual winter sport.

SPEAKER_05 1:41:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:41:41

And she gave me an interview at the at the World Cup race. Um and for me, it's this fine line of like trying to stay out of press and radio and films and things like that. But I also think about how uh when I was on the street, I didn't know of anybody that got out. You know, that is that was one of the biggest barriers for me, is like nobody, there's no way to there's no way out of this. Obviously, there are a lot of people who get out of it, but when I was when I'm in when I was there, there wasn't, right? Um and so I shared a little bit about what my story was. And then um I actually had the opportunity to go to this to Europe, Belgium, uh, to race. And there, what actually happened was uh it was during during COVID, the first year I went, so there were no spectators at the race. They I had gotten pulled from from the race. Oh, actually, no, my my tubular tire rolled off the rim, so I had to pull out. And so this guy, he comes up to I was for me, it was great because now I had front row seat anywhere on the course to watch like the best cyclists in the world. Yeah. Um, so while I'm watching and cheering, uh this guy comes up to me, he's speaking Flemish or Dutch, and he's like Philippe Nijstrom Costa Rica and puts the microphone in my face. And I'm like, Oh, I uh words, and I'm pretty happy, and this is great. Yeah, I never knew I'd be here after living on the street. A few hours later, one of the head people at the UCI sends me a message and says, uh you're famous. And I'm like, wrong number. And she goes, No, seriously, you're famous. I'm like, No, seriously, wrong number. And she sends me a link. Because it was no spectators, the only way to watch the race was on national TV. Ah, and this is a sport like Belgium, Netherlands. Big deal then like is huge. She goes, like, eight million people saw your interview. So the next day, this was in Netherlands. The next day the race was in Namur, which is Belgium. Belgium hadn't closed. And Netherlands had had Nether Belgium hadn't, so that race had spectators. Because everybody had seen, well, not everybody, but so many of you have seen my interview. At that race, everybody wanted to come see the Costa Rica. Like, who's this guy from Costa Rica? Yeah. Uh with the cool story. And so that just kind of kicked off uh what would be the next three, I guess now for almost five years. Um where along with the personal goals of trying to race at the highest level, challenge myself at the highest level possible, um, which I've been able to do because there's nobody higher than Vanderpol or you know, Poycar and those guys. It was also rebuild that relationship with my son, which were I mean, it's great. Um I just got back from welcoming his daughter. Oh, congratulations. We had a grandpa in the house. And uh, and then more just as importantly for me was how can I help other people get closer to whatever they want to achieve? And how can I not just for my son, maybe bring help bring some other people along along with for the ride.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:23

I think it's so important. I mean, what what you've done here by being willing to tell your story and to be open about it. Well, you know, like you said yourself, you don't want a bunch of notoriety, and it's not about that, but it really is it's a sign to somebody else who's sees no hope. And like you said, you go into a rehab that every single person is relapsing. There are people across the drug spectrum, whether it's cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine on down the list, who believe that once you're addicted to that drug, you'll never come back. Yep. And the sense of being lost inside of that is it's treacherous and it's scary. And so what you to me are a testament to is that it can get so dark to where you're trying to kill yourself in a hotel room all the way to where you are now, you know, on a completely other end of it. And and you know, you're talking to me, so I'm feeling your energy and your presence, and you have this kind of lightness about you, and you like you have a like a sense of humor and a smile and all this stuff that you probably forgot that you had there for a while. And to me, it's very motivating just for the little things that I go through, you know, and then you're like, okay, well, that's daunting. Well, it's really not as daunting as what you've dealt with. And I think it's a great message, and I and I appreciate the fact that you chose to share that on multiple platforms.

SPEAKER_00 1:46:49

Yeah, yeah, it's been a great, great opportunity. I think um the thing that I like the most is it's it really is not uh I'm not really after like the Norder ID. Um it's I think we were talking previously about how it's not about reaching a million people, it's about reaching the one person that that really needed to hear it. And the cool thing has been that because of what has happened over the last few years, I get a lot of messages on Facebook and Instagram and uh from people from all over the world. I'm really grateful for the ones that are always like, oh, you're so you know, we were cheering for you and all that. Like I'm grateful for all the support. But the messages that really stick with me are the ones that come in and like, hey man, I'm really struggling, like I'm dealing with this. Can you you have any advice? And getting to talk to those people. Those those are the ones that that everyb everybody's important, and again, I really appreciate all the support. But like when I get one of those messages, like I I'm thinking about ending my life. Like I don't know what else to do. Nobody, I don't have anybody to talk to. And then having the opportunity to talk to those people um is something that I'm really grateful for, and wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been able to do what I what I've been doing over the last few years. Um so I think it's uh it's a it's a great opportunity um to to help others. Um and then you know, even if I don't get to talk to somebody, maybe somebody sees something or hears something in and all of this. It's like yeah, that's a good idea. Maybe I'll go do that.

SPEAKER_02 1:48:39

Yeah, and I would I would nudge anyone who's in that scenario to reach out to you or or even to me to to get a hold of you because it's nobody understands more than the person who's been through it. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 1:48:53

Yeah, and I think that's one of the it's hard because you know I, you know, when not when normies we call them, you know, normal people that haven't done those things, they're saying, oh, you know, that's bad, or you know, do this or do that. It's really hard to listen to them because people you don't know what the fight. You haven't been to this. Um but being able to talk to people that really that that you can feel like really understand what you what you're going through is extremely helpful.

SPEAKER_02 1:49:27

Yeah, it really is. And I I'm just so happy to the fact that um you're kind of paying for the whole idea of what happened to you, that receptionist in that hotel room, taking the taking the initiative to not just be passive or to worry about their own life. You know, that lady could have just looked down or she could have turned on a TV show and stuck her hand on her chin and just called it a day, and you would have willowed away in that room. And so, in a different way, but in the same way, you're paying that for. Forward for other people, uh, that you're choosing not to just be about you. And you could easily be like, Well, these are I've had my own problems, and this is my life. And you talk openly and outwardly about other people. And that's when we sat down to talk about doing this interview, that was the whole reason. Was so that you can touch these lives. So I just want to say thanks.

SPEAKER_00 1:50:20

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it's it's it's amazing. I mean, it's an amazing life. Now I can say it's an amazing life.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:26

Yeah. Well, you've earned that, you know? Yeah. And uh you continue to help people, even with your translation, making sure people understand uh what it is that's happening with them, and uh that in itself is so important.

SPEAKER_00 1:50:39

And even even that, uh, you know, the the the place where I looked for safety, shelter, is um the hospital down in Costa Rica. Now I get to do instead of being a leech of society in one of them, I get to be a small part that's helpful to other people going through some of the worst situations that people can go through in hospitals. Um I think that that one is uh actually one that every day amazes me. Uh how that one kind of came. Full circle.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:10

It's impressive. Uh well, Felipe Nystrom is in studio. He is uh he's a legend. And and now uh I'm I'm so glad that you know all those people during the COVID time got to see um your stuff on national television just because of it's almost like a perfect storm, yeah, the way that it all came together like that, and that it helped to tell a story that I think is so important. And if anybody is uh facing stuff like that where they're they're dealing with the dread or don't think that there's a way out, please reach out because you are not alone. And uh we could we could all use that hug. And if you haven't had it in a while, uh you deserve it. So, Felipe Nystrom, thank you so much for coming in and sitting down with me today.

SPEAKER_00 1:51:55

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having me. It was amazing.

SPEAKER_02 1:51:58

And uh hopefully we'll hear more from him soon. And you never know what's next for a guy who never gives up. It's the Fit for Radio Podcast, and make sure you are uh following us on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you check your podcasts out, live from the Stafford Hills Club, right in Twalton, Oregon. It's the Fit for Radio Podcast.